End of an Era?

This morning somewhere between sleep and dream I mumbled "Today is the end of an era.  How trippy is that?"  I was wrong, it's the end of a decade.  But somehow I also was right, because it seemed like an era, at least to me.

I really wanted to wash clean all of 2010 but the shower at my apartment kind of sucks.. I like it scalding hot which means I get a whole 5 minutes in there.  I guess I'll just take it as it was and hope that I'm not being delirious and feeling like I've been a side track in the way of others destiny.  There's just a lot to be done, on my part, for 2011 and it's not going to be easy.  I need to get out into the sunshine again and start meeting people and places and really get a grasp on the world and my purpose in it.  I need to stop lagging, stop being lazy and tired all the time.  I need to find the energy deep within me that I know I have and re harness it.  When I was 14 I was in cross country, I remember that first day of training, how after 15 minutes I felt I was going to die, to puke and so I was determined to work hard, my coach saw this and didn't make it easy, pushing me along the way, but come the end of the season I was pacing 7 minute miles with room for improvement.  I was voted most improved player for every sport I participated in that year.  I had straight A's and wouldn't let anything stop be, even when I didn't want to do things I sucked it up, sighed, and did it.  I need that same drive back and I felt it so strong then, yet fade and dissipate as I was distracted along the way.  I never went to Stanford Law, I never graduated valedictorian, I never got into film school, many things looking back that I very well could have pushed myself into.  Not that I haven't accomplished anything, it's just tragic that I feel there's a lot more potential in me.  There are people out there who will appreciate me for who I am as well, a fact unfortunately that falls on me far too often, until it's too late and I don't care anymore.  I dunno, as the year closes I'm not in the best of moods because I feel like there was so much potential last year, I felt amazing and now I just feel like the last year was frozen in time, I feel far from amazing.

I need that freedom back.

Filthy Dirty Greasy

I have this horrible sinking feeling in my belly.
And I hope it goes away.
I'll throw it off a bridge.
With a that bag of bricks.
That hit me in the face months ago.

That and this godawful guilt.
I still feel bad about what happened.
I still need to make apologies.
But I'm afraid to.
I know hindsight is 20/20 but I really wish.
That I'd been a little smarter.
It was just a series
of unfortunate event.

And then there was the weird conversation.
I can't believe it would have been five years.
I can't believe the Fonze died.
And I saw you running towards me,
your face smashed with blood.
And I'll keep this memory. 
And never let it go.

Looking around the corner now.
Not back down the hallway.
Ready for a new year, new adventures.
I'll take a long bath.
And wash the grunge of 2010 away.

You're waiting for a train.

There ain't a a soul can hold me back
cause I am just as free as air
as long as I got legs and trains got wheels
I could arrive me anywhere

and if the lord above comes down
and asks you where the hell I am
just answer no one knows where Rosie goes
cause I'm a box car baby ma'am

2010 A Retrospective. The same quiz a year later.

I found this quiz last year and filled it out, I thought it would be interesting to revisit.


5 Best Trips

1. Going to NYC with Gloria to ring in New Years. It was a once in a life time experience. Thus I will only have waiting in 4 hours of freezing cold weather and snow to watch a tiny ball drop once in my life.  Revisiting for work was fun too though :)  There's something magical about that city.

2. Japan/ Taiwan. Getting laid off at the beginning of the year gave me the opportunity to go somewhere I'd never been and always wanted to. The trip was so much fun especially since I did it ALL BY MYSELF. Long plane rides, packed metros, confusing signs, meeting new people, visiting old friends. Trying all the crazy weird food! Pigs blood cake, shrimp with little eyes (EW), jelly fish, and loads of other things. I kept asking Yen, "What is this?" And he'd say "I dunno, just put it in your mouth."

3. Death Valley Trip. It was a pretty last minute, thrown together, crazy fun car ride kind of trip. I felt like a lot of good came out of that trip though. Boogie boarding down sand dunes, singing at the fire, making amazing food, oh and Tyler eating a red ant.. I think I'll never forget putting together that stupid fucking tent in the crazy non stop wind in the middle of the dark ass night using rocks because Dominic and I couldn't find the stakes and then finding the stupid stakes in the morning.

4.  Spain/ Morroco/ Paris.  I came back tan and five pounds lighter thanks to Morocco and the bland jamon laden food of Spain.  But what a trip, lots of ups and downs, and crazy buses to boats, to trains, to taxis, to planes.  I loved the beaches in Spain, everyone, and I mean everyone went top less or at least in a bikini no matter size or shape, it made me want to too, but I don't think mom would approve.


5. DC.  Such a fun little adventure into the crispiness of our capital.  Now I know what beer to order on the east coast, how to make the Washington memorial look like a dick in pictures, and what bar in Virginia to go to get free drinks and find May Lin.  The museums were a lot of fun and seeing Cat Steven's live was like mind blowing. 



5 Best Reasons To Lose Weight
1. Dysentery. Believe me, not as great as it sounds. Yeah I lost five pounds after Morocco but what I endured for the rest week.. not worth it.

2. Getting laid off doesn't necessarily help your waist line.

3.  So my boyfriend stops calling me a morbidly obese fatty every time I sit down to a meal.

4.  I just need to go to the gym and tone up really.  I swear I'm not fat.

5.  So I can start training for a marathon again?


5 Best Celebrity Encounters
1.  ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG TOUCHING Beckam at the first SUFS.  His sexiness almost blinded me.

2.   Also, Phil Margera.  He's so cute, in college I watched Viva La Bam religiously.  One of my favorite episodes is when they ironed little hamburgers on ALL of Phil's clothes.  So when I saw him I immediately looked at his outfit, low and behold a faded lil' hamburger was staring back at me.  I about died laughing. 

3.  Working the red carpet for the White Trash Beautiful fashion show.  Seriously.  That's what it was called.  But I saw a bunch of semi famous people I guess.

4.  Standing next to Elisabeth Hasslebeck and her kiddos in NYC, even though I think she's an idiot her kids were uber cute. 

5.  Interviewing a bunch of So you think you can dance contestants.  They were too much fun, I mean, "Who needs the pinky toe?!  Really?!?"


5 Best Reasons To Stay Fat
1. Comfort food is the best kind of food.

2. Because I really am not fat at all and actually lost a lot of weight this year accidentally and really don't want to loose anymore of it :o

3.  So when my boyfriend does call me fat I can sit on him and totally crush him underneath my morbidly obesity.

4.  Then once he's out of the picture I'll market myself as BBW or whatever it is on Craigslist. ;D

5.  ME WANT COOKIES.


5 Best Pick Me-Ups
1. Again, cookie cake pie. Jesus christo it's good.

2. CUDDLING :3 It's my newest favorite thing to do. <3

3. Doing something small yet special for me, like a surprise or a nice gesture. It's the little stuff.

4.   Drive in movies.  There's one in Goleta I've been wanting to go to!  Then if someone asks me what I'm doing I can say I'm (at the drive in).  :P

5.   Going to any kind of show with music.  It always makes me feel better. 


5 Best Ways To Apologize
1.  With kisses and more kisses.

2.  Screaming "I'M SORRY" angrily right in my face.

3.  Making someone a nice meal and when they ask why saying it's to apologize and when they say apologize for what?!  Say, I accidentally spent all your money, let your cat out, and crashed your car.  Whoops, bon appetit!

4.   Just genuinely meaning it.  Pobody's Nerfect.

5.  Post-it's are a great way to say you're sorry.

5 Best Flavored Liquers
1. Stella on tap. I had it on tap for the first time at our local bar down the street and have been hooked since.

2. Jalapeno Passion fruit martini's from a tiny bar tucked away in NYC.

3.  Vodka gingerales?  They were a perfect mistake.

4.  Champagne from Paris.. wish I had another bottle.

5.  These Hot Taughtys have been helping me through my flu thingy I've got going on.


5 Best Songs
1. Radar Detector - Darwin Deez

2. No One's gonna love you - Cee lo Green Re-mix

3. New Romantic - Laura Marling

4. How do you like me now? - The Heavy

5. Settle Down - Kimbra


5 Best Moments of 2010
1. New Years night was pretty damn memorable. Standing in the cold for hours, meeting a bunch of crazy awesome people from Pennsylvania and partying with them until 5am in rain boots, tights, and a long shirt at a club in NYC.

2. "This is going to be a bad meeting." Literally the first thing my boss said to me right before she laid me off after almost three years on the job. Although at the time I thought this was a bad moment, it turns out it's been a best moment because of the events to fall into place after wards.

3. Chinese New Years, in Taiwan with Yen, watching fireworks from his rooftop, making wishes for the new years. They came true too!

4. The last night of Coachella.  Sitting on a little hill of grass looking out at everything after a whirlwind of a week when all of a sudden a crazy man doing cartwheels approached us and talked to us for about 20 minutes.  We agreed we'd meet in the same place, same time next year.  I wonder if he'll actually show?

5.  Finally moving out of the house to my new place with hardwood floors and a bathtub with claw feet.  Now time to cuddle up in bed with a book.  Hopefully I won't knock a pillow next to the heater and almost burn the place down again.

Ummm, it's the second star to the right and..

Sometimes I don't talk because I don't think you really want to listen.

Many people who first meet me say "she's a quiet one."  Which I think is funny because I'm really not at all.  Actually most of my life I've been scolded for talking too much or too loud.  But on the other end of that spectrum I can be just as quiet.  "What are you thinking?" I've heard more times than I can count.  I wish that more often I could collect my thoughts and display them in a correct order of words to get exactly across how I feel and exactly when I feel them.  Most of the time I don't express something until it is too late, after my mind has processed this universe of thought into a flat plane of exsistance.  That's the only way I can describe it, my dyslexia in a way.  Saying things I don't mean and meaning things I don't say.

So instead I'm the quiet one.  Lost in my head.  Wishing I could bring to life the bumbling thoughts that circle around like tumble weed in a desert.  That being said, I think it's about time I start being more quiet, at least here.  Not that I think I've said too much or too little but I've just come to realize that it's time for me to take this energy and transfer it where it properly belongs, in my journal.  Where there is no sensor, no filter, no rules, no regulations.  Life is so full of twists and turns and stops and goes and constrictions anyways, why not have one place to be free of this?  I don't think I should burden you all with my petty insight, especially when I keep much of who I am private from the world anyways. 

I can't believe this year is already over, reflecting, it hasn't been easy.  But none of you would know about that anyways.  It's been an uphill climb, it's been trial and error, it's been me growing up, and realizing that I'm not a kid anymore and I can no longer return to nevernever land, ever again. 

Maybe I should give up, give in.

Give up trying to be thin.
Give up and turn into my mother.
God knows I love her.

I locked myself out of the apartment.  When do I not lock myself out of hmm, my dorm, my house on my way to work, my car, my apartment?  Basically anything that has a door with a lock which I hold a key to.  And always that rush of the door that closes behind me in and one roaring whoosh of air the realization that.  fuck.  I did it again.  I got back in though, and then as punishment decided to clean the ever loving crap out of it.  It may be all the coffee I've had as well.  Either way it's sparkling now.  Well, off to enjoy the rest of the weekend. Off to explore Lizard's head. 

Blah ditty blah

I like this picture cause my face is all blurry and stuff.  Tonight was sooooo eventful.  Winston is sick and shat everywhere.  So In between washing clothes, running errands, cleaning the apartment, and getting lost in World Market, I got to clean up shit and wash said stinky poo cat.  I really need to make some friends out here.  No really, I've been you-tubing and drinking wine all night.

Never let me go.

Jesus.
If you'd like to be totally depressed and hopeless.
Read this novel.
It never gets good.  It just festers and drags slowly painfully on about how tragic life can be.  How people can fuck over others in their selfishness and how most accept their agonizing fate and slip away just like the rest of them.  I cried yes, but more in anger at the damn book than anything else.  It's hard to believe so many people would just "allow" such a cruel and unusual way of life.  The easy part is believing how nasty people, no matter what their situation can be.  And how selfishness can truly fuck other people up.  It's probably the trait I dislike the most in people.  Making decisions based solely on their emotions and drives.  It was so fucked.

Lately I've been drawn to my life exactly as it was one year ago.. mainly because I became much more self aware in the that month of November, I took a little journey of self realization and although it wasn't an easy one it was one hell of a fun ride.  I felt, for the first time, free of a lot of things.  I was planning a trip to NYC, just as I'm doing now but I was laughing every night, I was spending lots of time with my friends.  Last year I was camping in Dixon on a most unusual awkward night of craziness and fun.  Gloria and I ended up talking all night about some pretty deep stuff watching the sun rise over the town.  I remember I was late for work.  My boss said something to me about being late in which I apologized profusely and mentioned the meteor shower.  He turned to me and said, and I'll never forget this, ever.. "Meteor showers don't pay the bills."  I remember I shook my head and headed still half asleep to my desk.  I sat there and let his message settle somewhere between my stomach and my heart.  I know they don't pay the bills, but fuck it.  They make me feel something more than a day at the office ever will.  Laying there watching as these beautiful greens and purples grazed the sky, feeling like some kind of magnet looking out into the mysterious universe out there gave me more satisfaction than any amount of green printed pieces of paper ever have or ever will.  Period.  And knowing the difference, well there was a definite change in me that day one that's been enveloping over the past year.  One that has taught me that no matter how bad things look or bleak, I have the ability to make it a fun wild ride with plenty of stories to pass on throughout the years.  I don't accept my fate.  I will face it.  Fuck those kids in "Never let me go."  I won't let myself imagine what could have been and focus on what is happening.  

Recently an old friend passed away.  Yes he was well into his 80's and yes, I tend to and still do somehow befriend the oldest person in the room.  But he was a great man.  My mom texted me while I was in DC about his passing and I was really upset by it.  I missed his memorial but my mom saved me a booklet.  I read about his life, stories he hadn't told me, he lived a fulfilling life, and I can only hope to accomplish half of what he did.

Everyone sounds better on paper.

A million ideas enveloped and died in the back of my brain today.  I had a nightmare about shoes last night.  Fuck.  I recently had a lucid dream.  I awoke and told someone about how I indeed had a lucid dream.  Only to wake up and afterward realize I was dreaming the entire time.  Does that count?  I'm not sure.

Halloween has come and past and I didn't even dress up this year.  Not that it mattered, I had a good Halloween, D.C. was nice, actually at first it reminded me of a clean less crowded version of NYC.  Until, that is, the East coast snobbery reared it's ugly head, that and everything closes at like 4pm.  The monuments were gorgeous though.  It's crazy how something like that can evoke such strong feelings.  A mass of stone and brick can cause you to dig deep into your head. 

Today was kind of weird.. I did NOT want to get up.  8:30am is killing me.  Didn't get home until 6pm only to find out that the republicans took the house.  Double shit.  For some reason the same feeling I got when Bush got re-elected came back.  I wanted to blare music and drown out the news.  On days like these when not much can be done, I just want to bury my head in the sand and weep. 


I really don't want to go to bed, but my back hurts and my boyfriend's warm.. and also taking up the entire bed.. Maybe I'll read a bit of "Never let me go" and then go to bed.  I finished Post Office yesterday and it was great, I've always like Bukowski's style, he cut's the crap which I love, I'm not one to love pages and pages describing a turtle crossing the road.  Sorry Steinbeck.  But my sister recommended this book and since she reads like 5 gazillion times more books than I, I trust her opinion. 

 2010 is beginning to wind down.. and the countdown begins on the by far most whirlwind year of my life. 

Portland lies on the other side, the side of the Earth.

On the road in Oregon.  It's too dark to read.  And no one wants to listen to Billy Collins which happens to be the only cd in my purse :/  So here I am typing away on my phone.  It's very green and wet here whiich I can't complain about, the trees are gorgeous.  I have some family out here and as I got off the plane I missed the days when people could wait at your gate and greet you as you stepped off the plane.  Growing up it was my favorite thing.  It will always be my first memory when I moved back to California, a huge, and I mean huge mass of family members I barely knew, holding signs and cheering as we got off the plane and ran and hugged us.  You know, after all, my family can be great.  But now things like that can't really happen, the magic's gone.  When we moved I remember being confused and hurt and sad I was leaving my home, my friends, my saddle shoes, my neighborhood, but there they all were, and all smiles welcoming us.  I remember than night so vividly even though I haven't revisited that moment until tonight.  Strange.

Anyways.. hoping to do some exploring, some wedding partying, some people meeting, and I'm stoked to see my family.  Halloween is around the corner and I seriously can't wait!

Trying to deal with the undeniable fact that I am not special.

It's tragic.. but it's true.  Out of all the faces in this blur of world how can one person have the audacity to think that they are special?  That they're going to do something one day?  I feel I had many chances but instead let them slip through my fingers.  Leaving a trail of sand behind me that no one really cares about much except for me.  I always have held people in colorful mason jars.  So the light shone through and beauty filled the gaps, strong morals instead of voids.  Unfortunatelty I'm beginning to find that my way of looking at things was backwards.  In fact, most people, as they open up to me, reveal much darker pasts and sides and instead of finding goodness I begin to see the ugliness of humanity.  What a naive stupid girl I've been.. what a cold person I feel I've become.   To think people would conduct themselves in a way, that they'd respect people, and love anyone but themselves.. such a stupid stupid thing to think.  I feel the most unspecial I've ever felt.. another face in a crowd, a car whooshing by, a story nobody cares to hear because they have much more important things to do.  Yeah, like get wasted and piss themselves, or order a latte, or get home to watch a reality tv show.. yeah, much more important..

Spin Cycle

The other day I was thinking about cycles.  Cycles make up our entire lives.  They are one of the few last connections we have to nature.  I mean, we can change just about everything about ourselves and our lives and environments, but we can't stop the cycles.  Why?  Because cycles are important, imperative, the fabric that holds everything in the entire universe together.  The sun, the moon, the tides, days, years, life and death, even cells go through a cycle.  The breakage of a cycle is cancer at it's core.  It's lethal.  The allowance of something non stop, non abiding.  I was in awe of it.  Even my own body follows a natural cycle.  It's weird to think it's something we don't control, it just happens.  We can tweak it.  But it still occurs.  Our whole lives revolve around something beginning, happening, and ending.  Nature is a strange and mysterious thing my friend and I couldn't help but wonder what it all means and why things all seem to behave in this way.. is it on purpose?  or just a mere happenstance?  I sure as hell will never know.

Besides letting my mind wander I've been watching the summer wind down and the heat rise up.  My room look likes Afghanistan.  Getting myself in awkward situations.  You know.  The usual.  The last few weeks I've had some of the best conversations.  I've just been on sensory overload and writing up a storm.. I don't know where it's coming from but I definitely am starting to feel my age settle in my bones.  I want to stay young at heart but not stay in high school, which sometimes I feel like is the unfortunate setting around me.  I just feel besides myself when people give me dirty looks at parties.  I really don't get it.  Le sigh.  I wish I could get out of my head and make some connections.  I miss college sometimes, if only for the fact that I was constantly around like minded people, and had something to do, and people all in one place, not spread out like all my friends are now.  But I digress.  People don't want to talk about this stuff anymore.  Hell, no one reads this thing anyway. 

Root Rot.

I am I am I am
is ringing through my idle brain
synapses firing off again
and again and again and again
wishing I could stop it
no, begging it to halt
to join the brain dead ranks
the zombies that walk among us
yes zombies, but happy none the less
the rawness that I covet
the blindness that I seek
to be a part of them
not apart from them
this humming distance
has begun to shout
I am I am I am
therefore I think
which seems to be the rotting root
of all my petty problems

Manifest Destiny

Application is in.
Check is sent.
Fingers are Crossed.

The more I research.  The more excited I get.  I really really really am working hard to manifest this move.  I'm thankful for what I have.  Loving life.  And really really imagining myself walking into this new place, box in hand, and smiling through my exhaustion, because let's face it.. moving ain't fun.. specially since I haven't in four years.  Accumulation is inevitable.  But cleansing is required.  So here's to hoping and praying and crossing everything I have.

Pretty.

I'll just paint my eyes real black
I'm serious as a heart attack
And paint my nails real red
and fix my hair like I have bed head

and then it will all be grand
your piano playing an upbeat hand
and all your cards will favor mine
and I'll have a real valentine

cause no one loves natural anymore
all they all want is a trashcan whore
with robotic limbs and porcelain thighs
who inside and out spits lies and more lies

god forbid we all have faults
and if you're not pretty
you better get out
yes if you're not pretty
skip the inside it's out
yes you better be pretty
or your life will be drought
so fucking be pretty
they scream and they shout.

You go, my baby, back home.

So I broke down and paid a whole 4 dollars to finally get a chance to plunge into "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath.  I don't remember how I came across the title .. maybe I read a poem by her or something but it's been a book I've wanted for a while.  I was hoping to get it before I left for Spain so I could read it there but alas, half.com had other plans for me.. which is fine because I got to read "The Sun Also Rises" and "The Devil wears Prada" both wildly different books while I was abroad.  I've only read about a chapter so far but I could tell from the fist line that I am going to love this book.. "It was a queer, sultry, summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York" 

Anyways!  When I finally got home and opened the thing I was happily surprised to find a newspaper cut out of some kind of poem pasted two pages in with a butterfly sticker.  It was in another language that was definitely not english, or german, or spanish, or french, or pretty much anything I could recognize.  So I got to work, thinking me being the google master I am I would immediately find it in English.  I spent probably 30 minutes trying to figure it out and all I got was that it was in Romanian.. so I translated it..

You go, my baby, back home

You go, my baby, back home, 

the wide world, thick world, 

but over roads n cross. 

Roman you are, or' you go! 

When his heart give n second, 

when over world rains, pours, 

when your bad or good, 

you should not forget you were Romanian. 

To go on the road honest and true 

to your storms in the chest, 

and you the ugly and deep, 

and not to forget that you are a Romanian. 

Earth is round and he n all find a goal. 

How many are going, how many remain?

You never forget that you are Romanian. 

Under waxes brass, 

you have the Tora lumeo mother, 

Danube and the Carpathians you, 

and the parents, brothers and nephews, 

And between all the sacred language! 

The trees to be very, 

you hills, you Cimpia, and you in the world, 

Romania! 

Running, flew you want to do, 

in the wide world, 

at yours, you young, wise, old 

and not to forget that you are a Romanian!

It's a little rough but interesting none-the-less.  Either way I'm wondering who put it in this particular book and why?  Was it sold over and over again, each person just leaving it in there without a passing glance?  Did the person who posted it and underlined things give it as a gift to somebody or was it a reminder for themselves?  Does it pertain to the novel?  Or is just a random place they stuck it until they could pull it out again to show somebody?  Lots of crazy unanswered questions.. :/ hmmmppphhh

Educate me.

Sitting in a car without my journal for 6 hours really gets you thinking.  I had so many pieces swirling around my head and no where to write them.  One being education.  I was thinking (in my best Rose's head interpretation) "there's so much I don't know, my god I want to learn everything."  And I realized I never want to stop learning.  I just took a social problems class and I'm pretty sure I'm getting a solid B and the sad thing is I'm better than that.  I could have definitely got an A but I was too lazy and too into going out or doing this.  I'm just so apathetic sometimes.  So from now on it's straight A's.  I mean I could school half those morons in the discussions alone and my teacher kind of gave me props a few times :D  But even with that said.. there is more to learn, deeper to delve, and smarts to be gotten.  Sometimes I meet people who just floor me with their brilliance and knowledge and awareness and I feel put to shame.  I absolutely hate when I can't contribute to a conversation because I just don't know or don't know enough..  that's the only thing I miss about the news station.  When I worked there I was so on current evens and local news.  Sadly some of those stories will haunt me forever.  Often I got too involved especially with missing persons or murder cases.  I remember once a woman called and she was sure her son was the one they had found dead outside a convenience store and hadn't identifies yet.      Or the veteran who had me on the phone for twenty minutes telling me how he had tried to commit suicide back in the day.  But I digress.  Back to the subject at hand.  I've heard we only use 1/3 of our brains.  I'd really like to know how to tap into the other parts.  Sometimes I feel like I've been filled to the brim with information and can't remember what I did last Wednesday but I can recite the pythagorean theorem be heart.  I can't find my way through a place where I spent most of my life but I can navigate perfectly through a city I've been to once, in a language I don't know at all. Hmmm.. so many things I don't know, sometimes I think the first step to wisdom is accepting that you'll never be able to know or understand everything but you should never stop trying.


 So I'm off to another country to explore and hopefully learn some more.  More things about history, about culture, and about myself.  I think this trip will be a nice way to end 24 and prepare for 25.  To grow up but slow down.  And to have some quality time with my family before I move O_O.

Asta Luego.

Rosebud :)

Es maravilloso.

I often have moments.. where I stop.
And look around.
And wonder how the hell I got here.
Things always weirdly fall into place.
That realization.. that a chain of events has occurred to bring me right here.
Today..
While you snore so peacefully next to me. 
Because.
You are always sleeping.

And I type so feverishly.
Because.
I am always writing.

Life may take me different places.
But I will always have this.
Your feet on a pillow.
The dull hum of the air conditioner as kids laugh outside.
The only light that of the tv.. background noise.
While I wonder what you're dreaming of.
And where I will be next week.
And why the wine just almost fell out of the icebox.
And scared the shit out of me.
And the fucking weird things you are doing in your sleep.
That make me laugh.  Seriously.  You are a weirdo.
But I feel at home.
So I'll take this moment.
And wrap it up.
In my heart shaped box.
That cost 2.99.
That I left by my computer.

I am a gear. I am a spool of thread.

"I want to read and learn and dance and burn."

I was thinking about the line between privacy and publicity today.
Especially on things like blogs.  Facebook.  And Myspace?  Who seriously has one of those these days?
But yeah.  Just thinking about where we draw the line between what we post as public and what we keep private.  That's why I don't really like things like social networking and I've been trying my hardest to distance myself which I'm planning to do the entire time I'm traveling.  I like to personally keep A LOT of my life private, I mean I know I have a blog but rarely do I name names or go on rants about specific people or just say too much about what's going on in my actual actual life.. sort of :/

Why is this?

Because I'd rather people get to really know me know me before they make assumptions about who or what I am.  Believe me, first impressions are only that, often who I think someone is the first time we meet is not who I later find them to be at all or how I come to regard them later in my life.  Most of the people who've made major impacts on my life are people who I'd never imagine being there when we first met.  Although I do believe in gut feelings towards others I think that in order to call someone my friend (and I hope people feel the same about me) is to actually sit down and have a meaningful conversation with them... people just think they know me, when really they don't at all.  Either way I've come to find the people that matter the most aren't the ones I talk to on facebook but the ones I see and talk to in real life every day.  I'm always checking my page, looking at my stuff and wondering does this really encompass "Rose"?  Is this an honest representation of me?  Pictures tell a 2D story.. words are clearly thought out, erased, then rewritten to sound better.  So how can something like this really encapsulate somebody truthfully?  I don't think it can.  We don't post pictures of us when we are crying or we untag the ugly ones.  We brag about something good and rant about something bad just to get some sympathy.

It's social masochism at its finest.

Anyblahs.  I hope being more secretive these days = more sexy.  Off to get stuff donez.

Epiphany

And everything makes so much sense now.

a parallel state

Never invite an ant into your home
Tiny vampires will crawl up your arms
searching for blood
or is it water
maybe the Catholics know which one

Never let your mind wander too much
you won't find your way back
always a bit lost in thought
a bit lost in reality
the ghosts haunting you ever so slightly
as they pass through your peripheral vision

Never settle for less
Questions will nest in trees and branches
And refuse to fly away
worse than the Catholics or the ghosts
They'll be permanent fixtures in your home
If you look back you'll turn into salt
Forward and you will be dead

Mind vs Matter

Oh the absurdity!

I think in between sips of diet coke and cabernet.
Oh the things that could happen here.
Or not.  Since I'm hidding in corners and in restrooms and behind buildings alone.  Avoiding people.
It's at times like these I wish I smoked.  Any excuse to slip away and take long drags.  Wrap my lips around thousands of chemicals enveloped by that thin piece of parchment.  Any excuse to avoid a passing stare or a dialogue full of farce, purged passed botox filled lips and slithered through porcelian veneers.  Asking what I do or who I am or how I know so and so.  And I wonder how I get myself into these situations but I also keep my ears open.  Pick up on rich women's diatribes about the latest man she dumped or business men talking stocks and web pages as usual.  It's beginning to get dark and I'm beginning to get drunk.  I avoid the free food but flock to the free drinks.  The bar tender glances up at me as he pours, "how's your night?"  fine fine.  Thank you for the liquid courage now I'll be on my way.  And I slip into the background again as if I were wearing camoflauge.  I morph into a wall, a table and slowly sip my drink as I watch life pass me by.  But what kind of life is this?  Is it real life?  I'm still not sure.  Or sold for that matter.

When I'm Lying Awake at Night.

I've had a lot on my mind.
And it's hard to sleep when you don't know what next step to take.
And you're terrified.
But only a little.
And you remind yourself that most of your adventures start with this feeling.
But never end with it.

Mr. Winston, my new cat, is the very best cat.  He jumps and leaps and bounds around the house.  With the cutest smooshiest face.  And prances whilst he meows.  That kitty meow.  The one that sounds like a squeak toy.  Like every time I squeeze him that sound will escape.  I plan to teach him to walk on a leash.  And be my best friend.  forever.

Happy Fourth of July everyone.
Don't blast your face off with a firecracker.

Reset me baby

I'm beginning to make a list in my head of things I'd like to get done by the time I turn 25.
I didn't realize that I may have a breakdown of sorts once I hit the quarter century mark.  Think about it, you've been on the planet for how long now?  I know I'm going to have one of those, "Let's look at what you've done with your life even though you know it's not good idea to do that" moments.  I imagine I'll get quite trashed and puke in some bushes somewhere seconds before having this revelation.

I am both excited and terrified at these prospects.  First because I do think I've done a lot.  I finished high school and college(blah) but more importantly, I've traveled a ton, ran a marathon, partied in LA, watched the sunrise in Vegas, puked on a rooftop in the middle of San Francisco at 6 in the morning after Halloween.  I've been to Coachella three times, and done an ample amount of camping, adventuring, laughing, and growing.  Growing I think will be the theme of these past years.. both physically and mentally.  I know I will not grow or change as much as I have in this time.. and I will cherish that.  From the little girl running around in the back woods of Cicero in New York to the young lady who flew to Japan alone and looked out the window and thought.. man I know I can do this!  From the five year old who started crying when my mother bathed me.. and when she asked why I went on this whole diatribe about Martin Luther King Jr. to the twenty one year old peeing behind a willow tree because the traffic was so bad and she couldn't hold it anymore..  I only have a few months left before this epic b-day of sorts and I plan to enjoy and reflect.. while loosing ten pounds and getting ripped :P  Yes, I'd like to shed some pounds so I look super great and feel better about my body and have one less thing to grumble about as I age..

Besides that summer has started off with a kick start, I have one internship, another hopefully next week (finger's crossed) then editing the documentary AND planning a trip to Spain.. all while attempting to save money and get rid of a shit ton of my stuff.  I'm really cutting down this time.. like majorly..

These past few months have bared down on me.. time to hit the reset button and will be doing so this weekend :3

What up Summer?

Dude Hocus Pocus is still a good movie.
It makes me miss Halloween.

I can't wait for my stupid glands to stop swelling and to get back into the swing of things.
I start my internship tomorrow and I'm actually stoked for it.. I have a feeling it's going to be a good stepping stone and it's a little different from what I've done in the past but everyone seems chill and I'll get some marketing and pr under my belt as well.

Finally about to get off my ass, get to work, finish the documentary, and hope this summer goes by quickly.  Then I can jet set off to Spain and add a few more stamps to my passport :D

The glass appears to be fully drained.

My horoscope for the weekend began with said statement from above.
And it couldn't be more right.
I think I've just been pushing things I need to face full on out of my head and under a rug.  And it's overspilling.  I guess you just don't realize how things can get to you without you really knowing it.  And then one day it smacks you in the face.

But I don't want to continue to run from things.  I feel most people do.  They find that alcohol cupboard and hide in it until they wake up ten years later and realize they've been running from all their problems all along which has just snowballed into a giant problem monster.  I like to face things head on and deal with it now.  These things that keep me up at night.  That crawl through my mind and don't allow me to sleep.  I just need to figure out how.. writing helps a little.  It was tough going through it alone but sometimes I just need to get through my own head by myself and really think what the problems are why they make me feel that way and what I need to change to improve them.  I'm my own therapist.  And a lot of people's therapist it seems.  For some reason people have always opened up to me.  But I don't really really open up to everyone else.  Maybe because I think half the time my problems are petty compared to other people's.  And really I don't have much to complain about.  But to me, they're really tough.  I think people should stop judging the caliber of other's woes and just realize that to those people it's everything.  I mean, most people are worried about number one at most times.  And there in lies the true reason for conflict to a lot of people, we often forget to think about other's feelings or reactions before we decide to do something or say something.  Yeah we can get a laugh at other's expenses which we often always do.

But to know a man aren't you suppose to walk one thousand miles in their shoes first?

The Shape of Things

It's true.
We totally judge.  We all do it.  Myself included.
But some people do it more than others.
Especially, of all people, to themselves...

We care about the shape of ourselves.  The outer bits.  The presence we give a glance from a passing stranger over the eminence we exude towards people we've known for years.
We want to light up a room.  Turn heads.  Be beautiful.  Be pretty.  As if outer beauty equates inner.
So we diet.  We starve.  We hate.  We hate hate hate.  On something we, like it or not, were born with.
This face, these eyes, these boobs, this nose, these fingers.  To a certain extent it will always be ours.  No matter how many surgeries, or work outs, or cover ups we use.  It's genetics baby.  Live with it.  Or don't.  Jealousy solves nothing.  It creates an inner demon, which like a parasite, will feed off of you until you have nothing left.  Or no one left who cares.

I'm not saying stop trying to be healthy.  But stop trying to be something you're not, nor never will be.  Or shaping yourself to someone else's standards.  A social vampire.  A lost soul.  It's sad really.  And sickening.  I've been trying to come to terms with myself and remember to just be me and forget the pressure that is barring down on me from birth.  Spat at you from ads and television and people in society making snide remarks about the fat girl or the ugly one who can't get a date.  It's disgusting how ugly beautiful people can really be.  How people who have no empathy, can hurt someone for the rest of their lives and not even know it or give a damn for that matter.


Once in high school I was late to class and rushing through campus.  I remember exactly what I was wearing that day, binder in hand, a sly smile on my face cause I knew I was in deep shit but didn't care.  In a few months I'd be out of this crap whole.. the name stitched onto my cheerleading jacket just another ironic reminder of why I despised this place and how I couldn't wait until I moved to a city where I knew not a single soul.  Two guys were out by their truck.. checking out the last minute stragglers.  Me, being the people watcher I am, listened into their conversation as I approached.  They were rating girls who passed on a one to ten scale.  Because they of course had every right to decide then and there what deemed someone fuckable I suppose.  As I passed my curious ears honed in.  "Uhhh fuck I don't know.. a two?"  He said.  My grip tightened.  I know it should have never bothered me.  Two bro-ed out losers who probably work for toyota of Escondido now.  Judging me.  But I arrived to class in tears that day.  My friend met me outside and I told her the story.  "A TWO?" I sobbed.  "Jesus do I look THAT bad?" I asked her.  That instant still bothers me to this day sometimes.  And it's not only me, its hundreds of people around me.  I've heard the story time upon time upon time.  And I think to myself... is it really worth all this hoopla?  I mean if someone likes you they do.  If they don't they don't.  As long as people are upfront about it what can we do but be who we are and hope that somewhere in all the gin joints in all the world the person who finds you absolutely irresistible will walk into yours.  And if they don't?  Well learn to love yourself and your life.  The more you do that, the more you'll widen your true grip on reality.  You don't have to find love.. to find happiness.

Once you find yourself.  It's all you ever wanted.  And all you ever need.

And these.  These are the stupid crazy things that inhabit my head for no reason on long gorgeous rides home alone.

All of a sudden your body and soul will call a grave you've been avoiding.

New musical discoveries make me happy.

Broken Bells.  Check em' out.  Shins side project.  They definitely make me happy.
So does the fact that I get to go party it on in Santa Cruz this weekend with my sister before she moves home.  Also, I kind of have an interview.. we'll see, we shall see.

Besides that just trying to get my life together.  Pay bills, clean my room out, figure out my next step in life.  And of course figure out how I can afford to travel later in the summer.  I'm really really really hoping I can pull off Spain and add a few more stamps to the ol' passport.  I want to get it in while I can.  I'd love to write a book one day about all my misshaped adventures and how I guess trying to look at the silver lining has pulled me through so much in life.  I feel blessed to have experienced what I have.  I feel excited about the future.  I feel proud of myself sometimes.  And sometimes is better than never.  25 is fast approaching and this birthday I'm going to do it up in style.  I haven't had a fun birthday in so long, I think making it a quarter of a century and accomplishing what I have is room for celebration.. I hope :/

For now.. oodles of toodles.
-Rosebud

New Aspirations

I didn't roll out of bed until noon.
And now I can't get my eyes away from the clock.
I keep glancing over.

Trying to forget that there is nothing I can do about that clock.
But everything I can do to change my life after today for the better.
And get off my ass and do something.
Something amazing.
Something I've been waiting in the wing for my entire life.

I feel I need to step into the spotlight.
And get it together.
And wow the world..

My sin is not quite seven..

A ten pound bag of bricks
right to the face
and all I can do is stand idly
and stare into space

Suh Weet Diss Poe Sit Shun.

I often ask myself.
Who is this girl?
That I catch glimpses of in windows.
Reflections.
Other people's pupils.

What they collect.
From pictures.
Posts.
And real life encounters.
On bad days.
Good days.
Mediocre days.

I really never can know what people think of me.
Unless I'm not myself.

How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?

This is why I heart you Dawnivan.

I was going through stuff in my room.
Yet again.

And I found this pad with random songs I attempted to write.
And badly written starts of poems.

My sister must have found it because she finished one.
And this is why I love her.

Just like little fish
floating to the bottom

Bright iridescent spirals of light
filtering down
they touch my finger tips
and turn into
electricity. 

Mexican Blanket.

I have a feeling it will be an interesting day.
I've been up since 6am... ish.
Got to watch my friend's baby dance.
Inside her belly.

Looking for jobs.
Internships.
Anything to get me out of the house.
Time to edit.
Get on this shit.
Do my state taxes.
Walk to the 99 cent store.

Pottery today.
And Piano.
Ummmyeassshh.
I feel quite cultured.

But for now I'll stay wrapped up
in my mexican blanket.

Just Press Stop for Christ's sake.

I accidentally left my music on repeat.
On this stupid song.
That makes me reminiscent and sad.
A melancholic drone.
That I've been trying to get out of my head for ages.

It's what you make it.
So I can't complain.
I want to sing and dance.
And smile to the upbeat heartbeat.
The rhythm that gets us through.
The tough days.

But this stupid song keeps playing.
On repeat.
A wah wah wah in my ear.
I really want it to stop playing.
So I can I can grin again.

I wrote this Eons ago.

I laid upon the table. It's icy feel stung my exposed skin.

I was shaking and he was there standing over me, I didn't know him but he knew me. 

My eyes fluttered open to reveal his sly fox like grin. 

"Are you ready?" He asked.

I was. 

The initial break hurt the most, the crack of ribs, rush of blood, the cold stab of the scapula through my chest. He turned up the music to drown out the noises of cracking bones and capillaries. He fashioned two hinges for each side and drilled them in, the pressure tickling a little. I tried looking up but he stopped me, "NO PEEKING!" he yelled and then there was that fox like grin again.

He dug his fingers deep into my chest and like old ancient doors exposed the underbelly of my being. "Grab the jar!" he yelled as a blinding light burst through my skin and bone. In one quick swoop the blazing light was now contained into a little black painted  jar with four letters in white that were still wet and stained my fingers. I felt colder than before, a shallow rattled breath and his smile was all that remained. And for a moment I was scared, vulnerable. He squeezed my hand. I knew what I needed to do.

And so I sat up and we gazed into the abyss.

I'm a Purple.

If you want everyone who loves you.
To leave you alone.
You will be alone.

If anyone has taught me that you can't lie in bed all day.
And wish you were dead.
I thought it was you.




..red and blue do make purple,
but that doesn't mean you'd call purple either of those colors..

I blame it on The Beatles and Champagne.

Startled.  I sat up quickly.  My leg was numb, microscopic glass shards poked out of small gashes.
Scrapes and pain.  My stupidity began to sink in as everyone turned and lifted me off the glass.
My heels had fallen off in the ironic crash.  My Stella unharmed.  I was dragged to the bathtub.
I laughed at the pain.  That half hearted half hurt laugh.  The one to remind yourself that you're okay.

You're just a dumb ass.

It had been quite a day, so why not finish it off by breaking a glass table whilst I attempted to dance to a Beatles song and walk from the couch to the floor using a small glass table as my middle man?  Albeit an expensive one I'm sure.



I washed out the glass with Helen and Kelsey's help while Jeff tended to a passed out Judy.

Disinfection.
The smell of blood wasn't very pleasant, nor was the wave of exhaustion.  I tried walking on it and figured since it wasn't totally mangled I was walking away a lucky woman, a lucky unbroken leg woman.
Elevation.
Ice.

Bandage wait.. wait.. wait..
Once I made it home, showered, I felt better.
Now to pay my bill.

I could never be Anorexic.

I just love it way damn too much.
I'm an emotional eater.
Always have been.
Thus the yoyo weight.
And the constant love hate
love hate
love oh god I love to hate you.. relationship.
with food.

Consume. Masticate. Chew. Smash.
Digest. Gulp. Slurp. Burp.

Smack. Taste. Lick. Bite.
Feast. Fork. Salivate. Swallow.

Jesus.  I want some Chinese food.

Today was the antithesis of yesterday.

You make me smile.
It's as simple as that.


:)

I should give myself more credit.

I think it's a bit sad.
When my poems foresee the future.
I stopped wearing the all seeing eye.
It left a green stain 'round my neck.

It did tell me the truth about people.
But I didn't really need it in the first place.
And I'm proud of myself.
For finally realizing this.

Winding down for the evening.  My tights are destroyed after one night and people accidentally burning me with cigarettes.  No bueno.  Time for rest, I have a big weekend ahead of me.

"Like Always, She Was Late."

If there was ever a line in a movie that would perfectly describe me.
It's this one.

The narration was a statement really.  It was an accepted flaw by both the character and the story teller.  Maybe it was endearing even..  but yes.  Although I'm constantly in denial about it, I am much more often than not, late.  I have few other friends who suffer from this illness.. and I always sympathize, it's like no matter what you do, how early you get up, or pre plan, you just can't make it right on time and arriving early? that's one rare commodity that occurs only when the planets line up or when baby Jesus decided to miracle your ass there, hah.

Apparently according to the internets this means I either have anxiety about important meetings or a lack of self discipline.  I think it means my creative mind is too distracted by thoughts to understand the concept of time and except it's "boundaries".. hahahaha. right.

With that said I should be heading out to my piano lesson.  But I have to remember where I put my keys, and re fill my water, oh yeah and change my clothes.  Wait did I forget my book?  Or were my keys in my jacket pocket?  Oh shit did I pay that bill?  I should do that now too..

But God, does it feel so good.

Man oh man.


I think people.  They really don't always give me a chance.
To prove myself.

I always slip through the cracks.
Boo yah.

No more red bulls for me.  Or bicycle rides for that matter :P

Won't you miss me you said inside Grand Central Station.

A backpack.  A bag.  A purse.

I jutted down the station, track 10, track 10, track 10..
Ran up the stairs, grabbing my pants, I really need to get clothes that don't fall off of me.  Weezing, I felt accomplished.  I had made it.... just in time to watch my train leave on track 12.

I don't mind hanging out in LA Union for an hour.  I do mind taking a bus from Irvine and knowing I'll be stuck in Oceanside at 11pm.. maybe I'll just sleep on the beach and watch the random people fish.


LA was great though.  The event was fantastic, I'm starting to reconsider being an on air talent, I loved winging it and talking to filmakers, actors, and even a millionaire.. last night as we broke everything down everyone was laughing so hard and ironically the theme being dreams and nightmares made me have a hard time falling asleep, could have also been the skeezy hotel in west hollywood.. or Kelsey and Pawntra making jokes for an hour.  I haven't laughed that hard in so long :)


Today consisted of more hilarity, more fun, and of course a stop at guitar center in Hollywood.  I messed on the  pianos for about an hour.  Now I head home and smile, who cares if I can't go home until tomorrow morning, today was great.

Flying Solo

My horoscope says I should write in my journal everyday this week.
I think that's a great idea.
I'm having some anxiety right now.  I hate it, for no reason, doesn't happen often.
Just hits me.  Kind of in the chest.  An uneasy feeling in the shower.
When I want to crawl under a rock.
Hide from the blinking green light on my phone.
Another friend I've been disregarding.
Another person I need to call back.
Another canceled date :/
I just want to curl up and watch The Big Bang Theory and drink green tea.
Ugh, I haven't felt this way in a long long time.
I just feel overwhelmed.
Been working on the show in LA for Thursday, trying to unpack, pay bills, go through all my stuff.
I'm wondering whether I should redo my room or not.  Paint, take posters down.  I'm thinking I'm going to go with a world theme.. but I don't want to make all these changes and then move out.  I'm planning by this summer.  It's time to get out of the house.
I want my own plates.  My own bowls.  My own style.  Decorations.  Hang up my photos.  It would be wonderful to create this thing to live in, the express yourself, your space.
I'm thinking heading towards the ocean.  Yes.  Would be nice.
Unless I get hired and move somewhere crazy.
Like New York or San Francisco or China.
Whatever.

Bandito.

I've been in a mood.
I've been wearing my fake glasses again.

Anti social? irritated? It's weird being back.  My body doesn't get it.
I passed out in the kids room last night at the party at 7pm.
Only to wake up at 4am, rolled in a ball, covered in candy, drool, with my shoes still on.
Haunted by my dreams.  My stupid subconscious.
I blame it on yahoo articles.  That and children running about making me watch Transformers with them.

I need to meet someone who bulldozes my brick wall down.

Unravel Travel

A lot of people ask me what was the best and worst part of it.
Which is hard to answer.

The trip had a lot of great moments. Asia was wonderful and I cannot wait to go back and explore it some more.. that is after I go to Peru, India, Africa, Australia, Iceland.. I can't stop!

I was fine flying all by myself except for the flight back from Taiwan to Tokyo before heading to LAX. I always have a hard time going home, probably because I don't want to leave and I know it will be different once I return home.
It always is different.

Anyways, I took a valium and then drank a whole thing of sake. Needless to say I was feeling pretty amazing and after taking over the seat next to mine awoke covered in drool as we landed. I was going through my luggage and found this and vaguely remembered scribbling for a good ten minutes. I apparently wrote it in a drug induced stupor.

Enjoy.
_________________________________________________________________________________

"I'm a penny in a diamond mine"

Going home is always the hardest.
Always.

Not everyone likes to travel. But once you've been bitten by the wanderlust bug it soon begin to breed inside you. A coffee stain on a paper towel. Invading your mind, it becomes difficult to resist the urge to see the world.

To me, there are very few guarantees in life. Unfortunately I'm often blind sided by these things. Those idle Tuesdays where you wake up and think today is going to be wonderful, then chuckle bitterly to yourself later. It's not something I try to dwell on, for what is life without a little drama to spice it up? One way I handle all of this uncertainty is to constantly find something new and exciting because life is now. I'd like to utilize what we have here on this strange planet and learn and grow and work hard to become an educated, experienced person. Regret and guilt don't sit well with me. That's why if you know you gave your all, your best, you never have to look back and wonder, what if? I'm learning this key information now and it sure is making a difference in me :)

When I was gone I did have a few thoughts, ideas to abandon it all and never ever come home. My room has felt less and less welcoming this past month. Learning to embrace the strange and unfamiliar. But now I'm glad to go home and get back to life, the people who surround me. I can't complain, with my friends there is always something strange afoot at the circle K.

Back to traveling and why I do it. For one thing, it's in my opinion, that many humans set their brains to settle, program to routine. They find a strange comfort in it and I can get this, we all depend on some of the same things to get us through the day. But eventually routine can bare down on you, trapped in a cycle, claustrophobia. Breaking free from this reminds me what life is. Spontaneous combustion. Think about it. All the great love stories of our time rarely end with "and they lived happily ever after." Those are called fairy tales. Most amazing things are a crazy mix of gun powder and fire, burn bright and then fade away leaving mere dust as a reminder of what occurred.

Traveling to new places teaches so much about the human psyche. Universal similarities, smiles, laughter, eating sleeping, loving, crying. The small changes, gestures, customs, languages, traditions, architecture, history. I should really get my masters in Anthropology, this stuff just makes my mind race. Widening your mind, opening it to other's way of life is the most rewarding thing ever. It reminds me how minute we are. A speck in the span of billions of years.

America is an infant. We have no sense of what lies beyond our golden gates. And to learn this, accept it, well it's something no amount of money or time spent on the internet can transcend.

It's like learning why Mona Lisa is smiling (which seeing her in person changes everything), like understanding the magnitude of Stonehenge, watching Venetians fight and Parisians love. It's eating something you'd never imagine would taste delicious, it's speaking a new language. Crossing lines of communication, laughing with someone you can only say one word to. It's a song you've never heard, a rain forest of trees with no building in sight for miles. It's falling in love for the first time. Riding bikes through a city and having no clue as to where the hell you are but at the same time not giving a shit. It's a cobblestone street you stumble through singing about a bar you'll never see again. It's culture, tradition. It's feeling complete completely alone. It's smells, it's sights, it's sounds. It's something you just wouldn't understand..

that is..
until you do. 
______________________________________________________________________________


PS. A few top moments:

1- First night in Japan, I met Marc and Eamon and we decided to venture out and get dinner. I wasn't too hungry so I had a miso soup and the Japanese owner kept telling something to Eamon in Japanese and pointing at me and in very broken English saying how I was good and he liked me. I don't know why but he said it as we ordered and again as we left, all I could say was arigato. It wasn't like a creepy I like you, it was like you are a good person, which meant something to me, I dunno why it took me traveling across the globe to feel that way but it did.

2- Chinese New Years. Fireworks, AMAZING food, red envelopes. Yen's family kept asking me if I wanted a fork, apparently they didn't believe in my chop stick skills, but I proved them wrong by picking up a peanut with them.

3- Last night in Taipei, running around the city with Yen. We were on the subway and some lady totally SBDed us. We were joking about it and laughing our asses off. I was falling on the floor laughing. Then I decided to explain what crop dusting was to Yen. Then it was over. We were crying, all the while swinging from the metro poles getting weird looks. 

Lessons Learned

This will be my last post in a few weeks.
I'm off to start an adventure of my own.
My first alone really..
Maybe that scares people?  The fact that this little girl, who stands at barely 5 foot 3.
Wants to go off alone.


Before I go I'm going to get some stuff off my chest.  I know there are people out there who could really give a shit about me and what I do.  So be it.  You win and I hope it feels amazing.  I don't need to waist my time feeling bad about myself.  I can't change the way people see me.  I can only change the way I see myself.  I just keep forgetting that.  Sometimes when you are stabbed in the back the scar never really heals right and constantly nags at you and makes you feel inadequate.  It's dumb but you can't always help it.  So just think about those things before you decide to judge someone.  I've always given others the benefit of the doubt and I often end up the underdog.  I don't care about things for some divine promise or to help others, I care because it's in my nature.  I care what people feel, think.. I care about people who have passed through my life for a wink of an instant.  A hitch hiker I once picked up and drove to the train station.  He told me he'd never forget me.. but I wonder about him all the time, will our paths ever pass again?  It's hard for me to fathom people not caring about the others around them.  When it all comes down to it, those people normally end up the "winners" as we'd deem them, getting all they want in life.  But at what price?  What price do you pay for happiness?  I pay a plane ticket to the other side of the globe.  You pay in hearts and tears.  Yours doesn't cost a thing.  So I guess. You really do win.






The people that you keep around.
Well, you learn from them.
And they learn from you...

The storm before the calm.

My life on so many levels right now...

It's my stomach in knots.

An off color yellow.

Eleven hour plane ride.

First adventure alone.

One million things to do.

Angry flocks of geese.

The Ying & The Yang

Every few hours I remember what is around the corner.
And I get really excited for a minute.

Just a minute.
Then I get terrified.

But in a good way :)

I'm the moment between the striking and the fire.

GAH!  As my sister would say.
I dunno, dunno about all this.
Being well liked isn't everything, right Willy Loman?

I'm starting to wonder if I'm committing social masochism.  I'm starting to wonder about all this wondering and just hope that people understand that branching out is like.. my thing.. I'm just drawn to new people constantly, who they are, what they do, why they are how they are.. I don't really have an agenda, no checklist.  Hell, I'm still trying to figure out what I want out of this crazy life.  I know I want to laugh, I want to love, I want to live.. and that's about it.  Those things actually happening are totally up to chance and milliseconds.  I was thinking about the time I spun out on the freeway a while back and I started getting mad at myself for not "doing something" with my life.  Like making a change?  I don't have much of a constant in my life so it's tough, like the world without it's moon to keep its axis so I'm just all over the place. 

I need a moon. 
I can howl and howl.
But still nothing materializes.
So I build my house of bricks.
Then you could huff and puff.
When you really just forgot to open the damn front door.
And drag me out.