This morning somewhere between sleep and dream I mumbled "Today is the end of an era. How trippy is that?" I was wrong, it's the end of a decade. But somehow I also was right, because it seemed like an era, at least to me.
I really wanted to wash clean all of 2010 but the shower at my apartment kind of sucks.. I like it scalding hot which means I get a whole 5 minutes in there. I guess I'll just take it as it was and hope that I'm not being delirious and feeling like I've been a side track in the way of others destiny. There's just a lot to be done, on my part, for 2011 and it's not going to be easy. I need to get out into the sunshine again and start meeting people and places and really get a grasp on the world and my purpose in it. I need to stop lagging, stop being lazy and tired all the time. I need to find the energy deep within me that I know I have and re harness it. When I was 14 I was in cross country, I remember that first day of training, how after 15 minutes I felt I was going to die, to puke and so I was determined to work hard, my coach saw this and didn't make it easy, pushing me along the way, but come the end of the season I was pacing 7 minute miles with room for improvement. I was voted most improved player for every sport I participated in that year. I had straight A's and wouldn't let anything stop be, even when I didn't want to do things I sucked it up, sighed, and did it. I need that same drive back and I felt it so strong then, yet fade and dissipate as I was distracted along the way. I never went to Stanford Law, I never graduated valedictorian, I never got into film school, many things looking back that I very well could have pushed myself into. Not that I haven't accomplished anything, it's just tragic that I feel there's a lot more potential in me. There are people out there who will appreciate me for who I am as well, a fact unfortunately that falls on me far too often, until it's too late and I don't care anymore. I dunno, as the year closes I'm not in the best of moods because I feel like there was so much potential last year, I felt amazing and now I just feel like the last year was frozen in time, I feel far from amazing.
I need that freedom back.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Filthy Dirty Greasy
I have this horrible sinking feeling in my belly.
And I hope it goes away.
I'll throw it off a bridge.
With a that bag of bricks.
That hit me in the face months ago.
That and this godawful guilt.
I still feel bad about what happened.
I still need to make apologies.
But I'm afraid to.
I know hindsight is 20/20 but I really wish.
That I'd been a little smarter.
It was just a series
of unfortunate event.
And then there was the weird conversation.
I can't believe it would have been five years.
I can't believe the Fonze died.
And I saw you running towards me,
your face smashed with blood.
And I'll keep this memory.
And never let it go.
Looking around the corner now.
Not back down the hallway.
Ready for a new year, new adventures.
I'll take a long bath.
And wash the grunge of 2010 away.
And I hope it goes away.
I'll throw it off a bridge.
With a that bag of bricks.
That hit me in the face months ago.
That and this godawful guilt.
I still feel bad about what happened.
I still need to make apologies.
But I'm afraid to.
I know hindsight is 20/20 but I really wish.
That I'd been a little smarter.
It was just a series
of unfortunate event.
And then there was the weird conversation.
I can't believe it would have been five years.
I can't believe the Fonze died.
And I saw you running towards me,
your face smashed with blood.
And I'll keep this memory.
And never let it go.
Looking around the corner now.
Not back down the hallway.
Ready for a new year, new adventures.
I'll take a long bath.
And wash the grunge of 2010 away.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
You're waiting for a train.
There ain't a a soul can hold me back
cause I am just as free as air
as long as I got legs and trains got wheels
I could arrive me anywhere
and if the lord above comes down
and asks you where the hell I am
just answer no one knows where Rosie goes
cause I'm a box car baby ma'am
cause I am just as free as air
as long as I got legs and trains got wheels
I could arrive me anywhere
and if the lord above comes down
and asks you where the hell I am
just answer no one knows where Rosie goes
cause I'm a box car baby ma'am
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
2010 A Retrospective. The same quiz a year later.
I found this quiz last year and filled it out, I thought it would be interesting to revisit.
5 Best Trips
1. Going to NYC with Gloria to ring in New Years. It was a once in a life time experience. Thus I will only have waiting in 4 hours of freezing cold weather and snow to watch a tiny ball drop once in my life. Revisiting for work was fun too though :) There's something magical about that city.
2. Japan/ Taiwan. Getting laid off at the beginning of the year gave me the opportunity to go somewhere I'd never been and always wanted to. The trip was so much fun especially since I did it ALL BY MYSELF. Long plane rides, packed metros, confusing signs, meeting new people, visiting old friends. Trying all the crazy weird food! Pigs blood cake, shrimp with little eyes (EW), jelly fish, and loads of other things. I kept asking Yen, "What is this?" And he'd say "I dunno, just put it in your mouth."
3. Death Valley Trip. It was a pretty last minute, thrown together, crazy fun car ride kind of trip. I felt like a lot of good came out of that trip though. Boogie boarding down sand dunes, singing at the fire, making amazing food, oh and Tyler eating a red ant.. I think I'll never forget putting together that stupid fucking tent in the crazy non stop wind in the middle of the dark ass night using rocks because Dominic and I couldn't find the stakes and then finding the stupid stakes in the morning.
4. Spain/ Morroco/ Paris. I came back tan and five pounds lighter thanks to Morocco and the bland jamon laden food of Spain. But what a trip, lots of ups and downs, and crazy buses to boats, to trains, to taxis, to planes. I loved the beaches in Spain, everyone, and I mean everyone went top less or at least in a bikini no matter size or shape, it made me want to too, but I don't think mom would approve.
5. DC. Such a fun little adventure into the crispiness of our capital. Now I know what beer to order on the east coast, how to make the Washington memorial look like a dick in pictures, and what bar in Virginia to go to get free drinks and find May Lin. The museums were a lot of fun and seeing Cat Steven's live was like mind blowing.
5 Best Reasons To Lose Weight
1. Dysentery. Believe me, not as great as it sounds. Yeah I lost five pounds after Morocco but what I endured for the rest week.. not worth it.
2. Getting laid off doesn't necessarily help your waist line.
3. So my boyfriend stops calling me a morbidly obese fatty every time I sit down to a meal.
4. I just need to go to the gym and tone up really. I swear I'm not fat.
5. So I can start training for a marathon again?
5 Best Celebrity Encounters
1. ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG TOUCHING Beckam at the first SUFS. His sexiness almost blinded me.
2. Also, Phil Margera. He's so cute, in college I watched Viva La Bam religiously. One of my favorite episodes is when they ironed little hamburgers on ALL of Phil's clothes. So when I saw him I immediately looked at his outfit, low and behold a faded lil' hamburger was staring back at me. I about died laughing.
3. Working the red carpet for the White Trash Beautiful fashion show. Seriously. That's what it was called. But I saw a bunch of semi famous people I guess.
4. Standing next to Elisabeth Hasslebeck and her kiddos in NYC, even though I think she's an idiot her kids were uber cute.
5. Interviewing a bunch of So you think you can dance contestants. They were too much fun, I mean, "Who needs the pinky toe?! Really?!?"
5 Best Reasons To Stay Fat
1. Comfort food is the best kind of food.
2. Because I really am not fat at all and actually lost a lot of weight this year accidentally and really don't want to loose anymore of it :o
3. So when my boyfriend does call me fat I can sit on him and totally crush him underneath my morbidly obesity.
4. Then once he's out of the picture I'll market myself as BBW or whatever it is on Craigslist. ;D
5. ME WANT COOKIES.
5 Best Pick Me-Ups
1. Again, cookie cake pie. Jesus christo it's good.
2. CUDDLING :3 It's my newest favorite thing to do. <3
3. Doing something small yet special for me, like a surprise or a nice gesture. It's the little stuff.
4. Drive in movies. There's one in Goleta I've been wanting to go to! Then if someone asks me what I'm doing I can say I'm (at the drive in). :P
5. Going to any kind of show with music. It always makes me feel better.
5 Best Ways To Apologize
1. With kisses and more kisses.
2. Screaming "I'M SORRY" angrily right in my face.
3. Making someone a nice meal and when they ask why saying it's to apologize and when they say apologize for what?! Say, I accidentally spent all your money, let your cat out, and crashed your car. Whoops, bon appetit!
4. Just genuinely meaning it. Pobody's Nerfect.
5. Post-it's are a great way to say you're sorry.
5 Best Flavored Liquers
1. Stella on tap. I had it on tap for the first time at our local bar down the street and have been hooked since.
2. Jalapeno Passion fruit martini's from a tiny bar tucked away in NYC.
3. Vodka gingerales? They were a perfect mistake.
4. Champagne from Paris.. wish I had another bottle.
5. These Hot Taughtys have been helping me through my flu thingy I've got going on.
5 Best Songs
1. Radar Detector - Darwin Deez
2. No One's gonna love you - Cee lo Green Re-mix
3. New Romantic - Laura Marling
4. How do you like me now? - The Heavy
5. Settle Down - Kimbra
5 Best Moments of 2010
1. New Years night was pretty damn memorable. Standing in the cold for hours, meeting a bunch of crazy awesome people from Pennsylvania and partying with them until 5am in rain boots, tights, and a long shirt at a club in NYC.
2. "This is going to be a bad meeting." Literally the first thing my boss said to me right before she laid me off after almost three years on the job. Although at the time I thought this was a bad moment, it turns out it's been a best moment because of the events to fall into place after wards.
3. Chinese New Years, in Taiwan with Yen, watching fireworks from his rooftop, making wishes for the new years. They came true too!
4. The last night of Coachella. Sitting on a little hill of grass looking out at everything after a whirlwind of a week when all of a sudden a crazy man doing cartwheels approached us and talked to us for about 20 minutes. We agreed we'd meet in the same place, same time next year. I wonder if he'll actually show?
5. Finally moving out of the house to my new place with hardwood floors and a bathtub with claw feet. Now time to cuddle up in bed with a book. Hopefully I won't knock a pillow next to the heater and almost burn the place down again.
5 Best Trips
1. Going to NYC with Gloria to ring in New Years. It was a once in a life time experience. Thus I will only have waiting in 4 hours of freezing cold weather and snow to watch a tiny ball drop once in my life. Revisiting for work was fun too though :) There's something magical about that city.
2. Japan/ Taiwan. Getting laid off at the beginning of the year gave me the opportunity to go somewhere I'd never been and always wanted to. The trip was so much fun especially since I did it ALL BY MYSELF. Long plane rides, packed metros, confusing signs, meeting new people, visiting old friends. Trying all the crazy weird food! Pigs blood cake, shrimp with little eyes (EW), jelly fish, and loads of other things. I kept asking Yen, "What is this?" And he'd say "I dunno, just put it in your mouth."
3. Death Valley Trip. It was a pretty last minute, thrown together, crazy fun car ride kind of trip. I felt like a lot of good came out of that trip though. Boogie boarding down sand dunes, singing at the fire, making amazing food, oh and Tyler eating a red ant.. I think I'll never forget putting together that stupid fucking tent in the crazy non stop wind in the middle of the dark ass night using rocks because Dominic and I couldn't find the stakes and then finding the stupid stakes in the morning.
4. Spain/ Morroco/ Paris. I came back tan and five pounds lighter thanks to Morocco and the bland jamon laden food of Spain. But what a trip, lots of ups and downs, and crazy buses to boats, to trains, to taxis, to planes. I loved the beaches in Spain, everyone, and I mean everyone went top less or at least in a bikini no matter size or shape, it made me want to too, but I don't think mom would approve.
5. DC. Such a fun little adventure into the crispiness of our capital. Now I know what beer to order on the east coast, how to make the Washington memorial look like a dick in pictures, and what bar in Virginia to go to get free drinks and find May Lin. The museums were a lot of fun and seeing Cat Steven's live was like mind blowing.
5 Best Reasons To Lose Weight
1. Dysentery. Believe me, not as great as it sounds. Yeah I lost five pounds after Morocco but what I endured for the rest week.. not worth it.
2. Getting laid off doesn't necessarily help your waist line.
3. So my boyfriend stops calling me a morbidly obese fatty every time I sit down to a meal.
4. I just need to go to the gym and tone up really. I swear I'm not fat.
5. So I can start training for a marathon again?
5 Best Celebrity Encounters
1. ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG TOUCHING Beckam at the first SUFS. His sexiness almost blinded me.
2. Also, Phil Margera. He's so cute, in college I watched Viva La Bam religiously. One of my favorite episodes is when they ironed little hamburgers on ALL of Phil's clothes. So when I saw him I immediately looked at his outfit, low and behold a faded lil' hamburger was staring back at me. I about died laughing.
3. Working the red carpet for the White Trash Beautiful fashion show. Seriously. That's what it was called. But I saw a bunch of semi famous people I guess.
4. Standing next to Elisabeth Hasslebeck and her kiddos in NYC, even though I think she's an idiot her kids were uber cute.
5. Interviewing a bunch of So you think you can dance contestants. They were too much fun, I mean, "Who needs the pinky toe?! Really?!?"
5 Best Reasons To Stay Fat
1. Comfort food is the best kind of food.
2. Because I really am not fat at all and actually lost a lot of weight this year accidentally and really don't want to loose anymore of it :o
3. So when my boyfriend does call me fat I can sit on him and totally crush him underneath my morbidly obesity.
4. Then once he's out of the picture I'll market myself as BBW or whatever it is on Craigslist. ;D
5. ME WANT COOKIES.
5 Best Pick Me-Ups
1. Again, cookie cake pie. Jesus christo it's good.
2. CUDDLING :3 It's my newest favorite thing to do. <3
3. Doing something small yet special for me, like a surprise or a nice gesture. It's the little stuff.
4. Drive in movies. There's one in Goleta I've been wanting to go to! Then if someone asks me what I'm doing I can say I'm (at the drive in). :P
5. Going to any kind of show with music. It always makes me feel better.
5 Best Ways To Apologize
1. With kisses and more kisses.
2. Screaming "I'M SORRY" angrily right in my face.
3. Making someone a nice meal and when they ask why saying it's to apologize and when they say apologize for what?! Say, I accidentally spent all your money, let your cat out, and crashed your car. Whoops, bon appetit!
4. Just genuinely meaning it. Pobody's Nerfect.
5. Post-it's are a great way to say you're sorry.
5 Best Flavored Liquers
1. Stella on tap. I had it on tap for the first time at our local bar down the street and have been hooked since.
2. Jalapeno Passion fruit martini's from a tiny bar tucked away in NYC.
3. Vodka gingerales? They were a perfect mistake.
4. Champagne from Paris.. wish I had another bottle.
5. These Hot Taughtys have been helping me through my flu thingy I've got going on.
5 Best Songs
1. Radar Detector - Darwin Deez
2. No One's gonna love you - Cee lo Green Re-mix
3. New Romantic - Laura Marling
4. How do you like me now? - The Heavy
5. Settle Down - Kimbra
5 Best Moments of 2010
1. New Years night was pretty damn memorable. Standing in the cold for hours, meeting a bunch of crazy awesome people from Pennsylvania and partying with them until 5am in rain boots, tights, and a long shirt at a club in NYC.
2. "This is going to be a bad meeting." Literally the first thing my boss said to me right before she laid me off after almost three years on the job. Although at the time I thought this was a bad moment, it turns out it's been a best moment because of the events to fall into place after wards.
3. Chinese New Years, in Taiwan with Yen, watching fireworks from his rooftop, making wishes for the new years. They came true too!
4. The last night of Coachella. Sitting on a little hill of grass looking out at everything after a whirlwind of a week when all of a sudden a crazy man doing cartwheels approached us and talked to us for about 20 minutes. We agreed we'd meet in the same place, same time next year. I wonder if he'll actually show?
5. Finally moving out of the house to my new place with hardwood floors and a bathtub with claw feet. Now time to cuddle up in bed with a book. Hopefully I won't knock a pillow next to the heater and almost burn the place down again.
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