Portland lies on the other side, the side of the Earth.

On the road in Oregon.  It's too dark to read.  And no one wants to listen to Billy Collins which happens to be the only cd in my purse :/  So here I am typing away on my phone.  It's very green and wet here whiich I can't complain about, the trees are gorgeous.  I have some family out here and as I got off the plane I missed the days when people could wait at your gate and greet you as you stepped off the plane.  Growing up it was my favorite thing.  It will always be my first memory when I moved back to California, a huge, and I mean huge mass of family members I barely knew, holding signs and cheering as we got off the plane and ran and hugged us.  You know, after all, my family can be great.  But now things like that can't really happen, the magic's gone.  When we moved I remember being confused and hurt and sad I was leaving my home, my friends, my saddle shoes, my neighborhood, but there they all were, and all smiles welcoming us.  I remember than night so vividly even though I haven't revisited that moment until tonight.  Strange.

Anyways.. hoping to do some exploring, some wedding partying, some people meeting, and I'm stoked to see my family.  Halloween is around the corner and I seriously can't wait!

Trying to deal with the undeniable fact that I am not special.

It's tragic.. but it's true.  Out of all the faces in this blur of world how can one person have the audacity to think that they are special?  That they're going to do something one day?  I feel I had many chances but instead let them slip through my fingers.  Leaving a trail of sand behind me that no one really cares about much except for me.  I always have held people in colorful mason jars.  So the light shone through and beauty filled the gaps, strong morals instead of voids.  Unfortunatelty I'm beginning to find that my way of looking at things was backwards.  In fact, most people, as they open up to me, reveal much darker pasts and sides and instead of finding goodness I begin to see the ugliness of humanity.  What a naive stupid girl I've been.. what a cold person I feel I've become.   To think people would conduct themselves in a way, that they'd respect people, and love anyone but themselves.. such a stupid stupid thing to think.  I feel the most unspecial I've ever felt.. another face in a crowd, a car whooshing by, a story nobody cares to hear because they have much more important things to do.  Yeah, like get wasted and piss themselves, or order a latte, or get home to watch a reality tv show.. yeah, much more important..