Bavarian Nutmeg Rootbeer

Well.  This is what happens when you stay up until 4am for three days in a row.
I'm going crazy in a quite house in a town three hours from home.
Bored out of my mind. 
And things come full circle.  Shit just got SO legit. 

I want to scream into the abyss.

Forgivemeology

I found some stuff that I'd been looking for and thought was forever lost.
Today was like 1,000 headaches.
And then it wasn't.

It had a few sparkling moments.
Seeing the old man at the bookstore.
He intrigues me.
I can't wait to sit down and learn about his life.
This will happen, of that I am sure.
Sense the connection.
I will find out who he is.
This man who haunts Escondido.
A professor of life.
.. and love she whispered in between sips of coffee.

Coffee was nice.
So was driving in the rain listening to Blonde Redhead.
Piano lessons.
I left a heartfelt message on the way to my friends house.

Once I was cleaning out my mom's messages on her cell phone.
She had saved all the heartfelt ones from me.
When I asked her why she said she liked to sometimes listen to them.
Again.

I had the urge to thank her today.
So from the bottom of my heart,
even though your my mom and your suppose to do this mom stuff.
You go above and beyond, and I wanted to thank you.
Thank you for being my mom.


And my nomadic life continues.

Life in a suitcase

It's 6:30 and I'm tired.
I'm loving being on the road and visiting friends and family but I'm a little home sick.  I have a lot of stuff to get done at home, finances to figure out, school work, and friends to see before I leave again.
Grandpa is making me laugh like always.
Learning to knit as well..

Watching Food Inc. now I never want to eat again.

Alive Part 2

Drinking choffee, wine, and water.
Waiting for JC to finally get here and we can play board games.
I got hit by a car tonight.
Twice.
Well technically bumped.  My knee loves me.

I was reminded how life isn't a race tonight.  I'm making the best of all I have.
If things didn't happen how they happened I would have never been singing to the Rolling Stones, making stuffed mushrooms and dancing around the kitchen today.  Who knows where I would have been.  But in two weeks I'll be in Japan, oh my god, I'll be in JAPAN!  And then for Chinese New Year celebrating in Taiwan.  With Yen TING.  Chen.  heh heh

And just in case things get a little crazy.. here's my present to you:
http://8tracks.com/tylr/songs-that-make-you-feel-better

Plus this, found this cutie outside of a pub in SF when I was watching the Chargers game.. gah..

Alive

It's beginning to happen and I love it.   Not caring what other people think of you.. you can't force things so why not let nature take its course?  I'm going to be braver but also less nice, nobody has time for nice so why not be blunt.  It saves time, I want to respect people yet tell the truth about how I feel, even if I'm not sure how I feel.  So much has changed and this year just began.  But I have a great feeling about it.  Everything happens for a reason and hopefully one day I'll be able to share it with someone who is truly great.. and I hope their life is brilliant and they will share it with me to.

"see I'm all about them words, over numbers, unencumbered numbered words, hundreds of pages, pages, pages full of words, more words than I had ever heard and I feel so alive"

The All Seeing Eye

Girl don't kid yourself.
I've seen things you'll never see.
The shadows that lie behind the eyes.
It's a blessing and a curse.
But more of a blessing.
But you're too blind to see that.
And now I wear this on my neck.
To remind you all.

Today was good.

My alarm buzzed in my ear early.  8am.  I had only just closed my eyes three hours previous.  My hair, I'm sure, resembled a half made bird's nest.  I wreaked of smoke from the fire pit, my clothes were all over my room as if I had danced them off in a ballet to get to my bed.  Out of the corner of my eye I noticed my mustache necklace danging from my clavicle.  A small glimpse of shenanigans that had occurred the night before made me chuckle.  I felt the twinge of a head ache but I smiled as I hit snooze and turned over onto my back.  It was going to be a long day, I knew it.  After about an hour or so of texting, phone calls, and changed plans I compiled myself and went outside.  My mom was mowing the lawn, I motioned at her to stop.  I found a bag of goodies she had made me for the road so I smiled and thanked her.  I threw on my hat and glasses and plummeted into the drivers seat.

I arrived in Temecula around noon.  I was visiting Tyler at his shop, as I turned the corner people were falling from the sky.  Literally.  Skydivers just happened to be making their somewhat graceful decent towards the Earth.  I decided that I really do need to try that.  someday...

My body ached, even music wasn't helping my mood.  That long thrilling stretch of the 5 started getting to me.    I finally decided to take a pit stop before Pasa Robles.  A glowing Subway sign caught my eye.  You can never go wrong with a 5 dollar footlong, plus it's two meals in one, lunch and the other half for dinner later.  I sat and watched the game and played yatzee on my phone.  I didn't want to leave and was barely over with half my trek.  I thought about where everyone else watching the game was, while I sat in some weird truck stop procrastinating my drive to Santa Cruz.  Road trips are so much better when you have someone to joke with.

The 46 is actually a beautiful drive.  I had forgotten.  The sun was setting, the music was working.  By dark I pulled up to my little sister's home.  The one with hard wood floors and marble counters.  A massacre of shoes greeted me followed by a hodgepodge of Chinese lanterns, Bob Marley wall sarongs, origami cranes hanging among the madness.  I love this house.  We immediately got to work insulting each other.  Ah, I missed her.  We ended up driving downtown to see The Lovely Bones with her roommate.  The movie was good, not as good as the book of course.. but good.  Certain parts were hard to stomach.  I messed with my phone and talked to my sister.  We didn't even realize everyone had left the theater.  She quickly sprang up and headed towards the door, me being, well typical me didn't notice she had stopped at the end of the chairs.  Distracted by my water, my purse, something shinny on the floor, I didn't look up until I reached the end of the row.

It was then we had our moment.  I gave my sister a hug and we both choked back tears.  One of the sister's in the movie is left to deal with the horrific loss, eventually coming almost face to face with the man who murdered her sibling.  That was hard to watch most of all.  We composed ourselves.. sometimes we can be such babies.  It's moments like those though that make me glad to have her around.

And somehow a day that was mostly composed of sitting has in a way become something bigger than that.
Tomorrow we head to the city which I'm sure will be an adventure in it's own.  But today.  Today was good.

Fearless is Freeing.

I shouldn't be doing this.
I should be doing all the other things I have to get done today.
Clusterfuck central.

Baking a cake.
Packing.
Showering.
Trying to get ready all in one.

I have thus renamed this year:
"What the fuck just happened?"

Fearless. Fearless.
And I know that's why you love me :)

Caught

The nail was hit on the head.

You got it down to a science.

You made me feel better.

You made me feel assured.

You made me reflect.

Even though I didn't want to.

I finally remember myself.

I was lost in the forest.

The gleaming cat fish.

The urban legend.

Hugging a tree out there somewhere.

Swimming in the depths.

Too smart for their hooks and lines.

I breathed you in.

And breathed me out.

I wouldn't change a thing.

I won't look back as the building 

  explodes behind me.

The zombie apocalypse is over.

And here I stand covered in dirt.

Clutching a shovel.

Wondering if I'll let myself get caught.

Again. 

I smell like smoke. Ew.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just take up smoking, enough of my friends do it I smell like I do half the time.  Once my friend who I hadn't seen in a while asked if I did randomly at brunch.  Her reasoning was I seemed indie enough that she thought I did hah.

I should not drink caffeine though.  My body hates me when I do.
Also, piano is coming along nicely.  Like amazingly awesome.
Like I've almost finished the year 1 book in 3 months.
But in all fairness I took 6 months of lessons 4 years ago.
I love it though.  I hope I can afford to continue.

Lastly, I am excited about my road trip this weekend.  Going to see my sister and some friends in SF.  Then visiting my g-pa in Sacramento.  Then home in a week's time.  Also, I'm on the brink of buying my ticket to fly to Japan and Taiwan next month for ten days or so for Chinese New Year :)  Flights are fairly priced, I have a friend in Taiwan, and I mean, WHY NOT?  Personally, I think it would be an adventure of grand magnitudes.  I've always wanted to go to Japan and I haven't been to Asia at all yet.  I'm young, don't have rent, or kids, or a job... the opportunity may not come again so I believe the expense instead of saving up will, in the long run, be worth it.  I've never travelled alone either.. which should be rather interesting.

Fin.

It's not about you.

Damn it girl.
Don't do this to yourself.
Not again you silly little thing.

It's the only thing I'm jealous of.
The ability to let things totally go.
But that ability to forever forget.
That goes hand in hand with heartlessness.

Retrograde

It's funny really.
What my life has become.
I wake up every night.
Dream every morning.

At least that's how it feels right now.
It's not that difficult.
I'm not that easy.

I went through and read my entire written journal from last year on the way to NY.  It wasn't an easy read.  Sometimes the things I write are tragically beautiful or beautifully tragic?  But I can't really share them with anyone else.  Mainly because it's sacred to me, it's where those overflow of emotions are let out to keep yourself sane on those days where everything spills until you can't take it anymore.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  But I love to look back, even to the one when I was 17 and just starting college.  I'm so glad I've steadily kept one since then.  The one I have now I bought in SF last January, it's a discarded library book.  Lord of the Rings actually.  The back has the sticky that's been stamped since 98' and there are random pages from the book amidst the blank ones.  After writing an entry I love to examine it, think of all the people who have touched this cover, read this random page.  I love to think about what they were doing at the time, even what was going on in their lives at the moment they decided to pick up this book.  Did they finish it?  Or did it dust on an empty bookshelf?  Through all of this I can guarantee the last place they might imagine it to end up is as my mangled mess of a journal.  I know it's not worth it to think of where it has been but I can't help but be curious.

Next weekend I'm taking a road trip to Santa Cruz.
I might also go to Japan..

Bittersweet Shimmer

I guess that's how you could describe it.
This mood I'm exuding. 
Well 2010 started off with quite a bang.
So now what do I do?  I spend the next 2 weeks working my ass off for grad school applications.

And then?



Then.

I get the hell out of this place. 

Apparently when I cry I totally do the chin quiver.. it's quite tragic.

I'm Not That Girl

I'm a world traveler.
A class act.
You chew me up
and spit me back.