New Aspirations

I didn't roll out of bed until noon.
And now I can't get my eyes away from the clock.
I keep glancing over.

Trying to forget that there is nothing I can do about that clock.
But everything I can do to change my life after today for the better.
And get off my ass and do something.
Something amazing.
Something I've been waiting in the wing for my entire life.

I feel I need to step into the spotlight.
And get it together.
And wow the world..

My sin is not quite seven..

A ten pound bag of bricks
right to the face
and all I can do is stand idly
and stare into space

Suh Weet Diss Poe Sit Shun.

I often ask myself.
Who is this girl?
That I catch glimpses of in windows.
Reflections.
Other people's pupils.

What they collect.
From pictures.
Posts.
And real life encounters.
On bad days.
Good days.
Mediocre days.

I really never can know what people think of me.
Unless I'm not myself.

How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?

This is why I heart you Dawnivan.

I was going through stuff in my room.
Yet again.

And I found this pad with random songs I attempted to write.
And badly written starts of poems.

My sister must have found it because she finished one.
And this is why I love her.

Just like little fish
floating to the bottom

Bright iridescent spirals of light
filtering down
they touch my finger tips
and turn into
electricity. 

Mexican Blanket.

I have a feeling it will be an interesting day.
I've been up since 6am... ish.
Got to watch my friend's baby dance.
Inside her belly.

Looking for jobs.
Internships.
Anything to get me out of the house.
Time to edit.
Get on this shit.
Do my state taxes.
Walk to the 99 cent store.

Pottery today.
And Piano.
Ummmyeassshh.
I feel quite cultured.

But for now I'll stay wrapped up
in my mexican blanket.

Just Press Stop for Christ's sake.

I accidentally left my music on repeat.
On this stupid song.
That makes me reminiscent and sad.
A melancholic drone.
That I've been trying to get out of my head for ages.

It's what you make it.
So I can't complain.
I want to sing and dance.
And smile to the upbeat heartbeat.
The rhythm that gets us through.
The tough days.

But this stupid song keeps playing.
On repeat.
A wah wah wah in my ear.
I really want it to stop playing.
So I can I can grin again.

I wrote this Eons ago.

I laid upon the table. It's icy feel stung my exposed skin.

I was shaking and he was there standing over me, I didn't know him but he knew me. 

My eyes fluttered open to reveal his sly fox like grin. 

"Are you ready?" He asked.

I was. 

The initial break hurt the most, the crack of ribs, rush of blood, the cold stab of the scapula through my chest. He turned up the music to drown out the noises of cracking bones and capillaries. He fashioned two hinges for each side and drilled them in, the pressure tickling a little. I tried looking up but he stopped me, "NO PEEKING!" he yelled and then there was that fox like grin again.

He dug his fingers deep into my chest and like old ancient doors exposed the underbelly of my being. "Grab the jar!" he yelled as a blinding light burst through my skin and bone. In one quick swoop the blazing light was now contained into a little black painted  jar with four letters in white that were still wet and stained my fingers. I felt colder than before, a shallow rattled breath and his smile was all that remained. And for a moment I was scared, vulnerable. He squeezed my hand. I knew what I needed to do.

And so I sat up and we gazed into the abyss.