But God, does it feel so good.

Man oh man.


I think people.  They really don't always give me a chance.
To prove myself.

I always slip through the cracks.
Boo yah.

No more red bulls for me.  Or bicycle rides for that matter :P

Won't you miss me you said inside Grand Central Station.

A backpack.  A bag.  A purse.

I jutted down the station, track 10, track 10, track 10..
Ran up the stairs, grabbing my pants, I really need to get clothes that don't fall off of me.  Weezing, I felt accomplished.  I had made it.... just in time to watch my train leave on track 12.

I don't mind hanging out in LA Union for an hour.  I do mind taking a bus from Irvine and knowing I'll be stuck in Oceanside at 11pm.. maybe I'll just sleep on the beach and watch the random people fish.


LA was great though.  The event was fantastic, I'm starting to reconsider being an on air talent, I loved winging it and talking to filmakers, actors, and even a millionaire.. last night as we broke everything down everyone was laughing so hard and ironically the theme being dreams and nightmares made me have a hard time falling asleep, could have also been the skeezy hotel in west hollywood.. or Kelsey and Pawntra making jokes for an hour.  I haven't laughed that hard in so long :)


Today consisted of more hilarity, more fun, and of course a stop at guitar center in Hollywood.  I messed on the  pianos for about an hour.  Now I head home and smile, who cares if I can't go home until tomorrow morning, today was great.

Flying Solo

My horoscope says I should write in my journal everyday this week.
I think that's a great idea.
I'm having some anxiety right now.  I hate it, for no reason, doesn't happen often.
Just hits me.  Kind of in the chest.  An uneasy feeling in the shower.
When I want to crawl under a rock.
Hide from the blinking green light on my phone.
Another friend I've been disregarding.
Another person I need to call back.
Another canceled date :/
I just want to curl up and watch The Big Bang Theory and drink green tea.
Ugh, I haven't felt this way in a long long time.
I just feel overwhelmed.
Been working on the show in LA for Thursday, trying to unpack, pay bills, go through all my stuff.
I'm wondering whether I should redo my room or not.  Paint, take posters down.  I'm thinking I'm going to go with a world theme.. but I don't want to make all these changes and then move out.  I'm planning by this summer.  It's time to get out of the house.
I want my own plates.  My own bowls.  My own style.  Decorations.  Hang up my photos.  It would be wonderful to create this thing to live in, the express yourself, your space.
I'm thinking heading towards the ocean.  Yes.  Would be nice.
Unless I get hired and move somewhere crazy.
Like New York or San Francisco or China.
Whatever.

Bandito.

I've been in a mood.
I've been wearing my fake glasses again.

Anti social? irritated? It's weird being back.  My body doesn't get it.
I passed out in the kids room last night at the party at 7pm.
Only to wake up at 4am, rolled in a ball, covered in candy, drool, with my shoes still on.
Haunted by my dreams.  My stupid subconscious.
I blame it on yahoo articles.  That and children running about making me watch Transformers with them.

I need to meet someone who bulldozes my brick wall down.

Unravel Travel

A lot of people ask me what was the best and worst part of it.
Which is hard to answer.

The trip had a lot of great moments. Asia was wonderful and I cannot wait to go back and explore it some more.. that is after I go to Peru, India, Africa, Australia, Iceland.. I can't stop!

I was fine flying all by myself except for the flight back from Taiwan to Tokyo before heading to LAX. I always have a hard time going home, probably because I don't want to leave and I know it will be different once I return home.
It always is different.

Anyways, I took a valium and then drank a whole thing of sake. Needless to say I was feeling pretty amazing and after taking over the seat next to mine awoke covered in drool as we landed. I was going through my luggage and found this and vaguely remembered scribbling for a good ten minutes. I apparently wrote it in a drug induced stupor.

Enjoy.
_________________________________________________________________________________

"I'm a penny in a diamond mine"

Going home is always the hardest.
Always.

Not everyone likes to travel. But once you've been bitten by the wanderlust bug it soon begin to breed inside you. A coffee stain on a paper towel. Invading your mind, it becomes difficult to resist the urge to see the world.

To me, there are very few guarantees in life. Unfortunately I'm often blind sided by these things. Those idle Tuesdays where you wake up and think today is going to be wonderful, then chuckle bitterly to yourself later. It's not something I try to dwell on, for what is life without a little drama to spice it up? One way I handle all of this uncertainty is to constantly find something new and exciting because life is now. I'd like to utilize what we have here on this strange planet and learn and grow and work hard to become an educated, experienced person. Regret and guilt don't sit well with me. That's why if you know you gave your all, your best, you never have to look back and wonder, what if? I'm learning this key information now and it sure is making a difference in me :)

When I was gone I did have a few thoughts, ideas to abandon it all and never ever come home. My room has felt less and less welcoming this past month. Learning to embrace the strange and unfamiliar. But now I'm glad to go home and get back to life, the people who surround me. I can't complain, with my friends there is always something strange afoot at the circle K.

Back to traveling and why I do it. For one thing, it's in my opinion, that many humans set their brains to settle, program to routine. They find a strange comfort in it and I can get this, we all depend on some of the same things to get us through the day. But eventually routine can bare down on you, trapped in a cycle, claustrophobia. Breaking free from this reminds me what life is. Spontaneous combustion. Think about it. All the great love stories of our time rarely end with "and they lived happily ever after." Those are called fairy tales. Most amazing things are a crazy mix of gun powder and fire, burn bright and then fade away leaving mere dust as a reminder of what occurred.

Traveling to new places teaches so much about the human psyche. Universal similarities, smiles, laughter, eating sleeping, loving, crying. The small changes, gestures, customs, languages, traditions, architecture, history. I should really get my masters in Anthropology, this stuff just makes my mind race. Widening your mind, opening it to other's way of life is the most rewarding thing ever. It reminds me how minute we are. A speck in the span of billions of years.

America is an infant. We have no sense of what lies beyond our golden gates. And to learn this, accept it, well it's something no amount of money or time spent on the internet can transcend.

It's like learning why Mona Lisa is smiling (which seeing her in person changes everything), like understanding the magnitude of Stonehenge, watching Venetians fight and Parisians love. It's eating something you'd never imagine would taste delicious, it's speaking a new language. Crossing lines of communication, laughing with someone you can only say one word to. It's a song you've never heard, a rain forest of trees with no building in sight for miles. It's falling in love for the first time. Riding bikes through a city and having no clue as to where the hell you are but at the same time not giving a shit. It's a cobblestone street you stumble through singing about a bar you'll never see again. It's culture, tradition. It's feeling complete completely alone. It's smells, it's sights, it's sounds. It's something you just wouldn't understand..

that is..
until you do. 
______________________________________________________________________________


PS. A few top moments:

1- First night in Japan, I met Marc and Eamon and we decided to venture out and get dinner. I wasn't too hungry so I had a miso soup and the Japanese owner kept telling something to Eamon in Japanese and pointing at me and in very broken English saying how I was good and he liked me. I don't know why but he said it as we ordered and again as we left, all I could say was arigato. It wasn't like a creepy I like you, it was like you are a good person, which meant something to me, I dunno why it took me traveling across the globe to feel that way but it did.

2- Chinese New Years. Fireworks, AMAZING food, red envelopes. Yen's family kept asking me if I wanted a fork, apparently they didn't believe in my chop stick skills, but I proved them wrong by picking up a peanut with them.

3- Last night in Taipei, running around the city with Yen. We were on the subway and some lady totally SBDed us. We were joking about it and laughing our asses off. I was falling on the floor laughing. Then I decided to explain what crop dusting was to Yen. Then it was over. We were crying, all the while swinging from the metro poles getting weird looks. 

Lessons Learned

This will be my last post in a few weeks.
I'm off to start an adventure of my own.
My first alone really..
Maybe that scares people?  The fact that this little girl, who stands at barely 5 foot 3.
Wants to go off alone.


Before I go I'm going to get some stuff off my chest.  I know there are people out there who could really give a shit about me and what I do.  So be it.  You win and I hope it feels amazing.  I don't need to waist my time feeling bad about myself.  I can't change the way people see me.  I can only change the way I see myself.  I just keep forgetting that.  Sometimes when you are stabbed in the back the scar never really heals right and constantly nags at you and makes you feel inadequate.  It's dumb but you can't always help it.  So just think about those things before you decide to judge someone.  I've always given others the benefit of the doubt and I often end up the underdog.  I don't care about things for some divine promise or to help others, I care because it's in my nature.  I care what people feel, think.. I care about people who have passed through my life for a wink of an instant.  A hitch hiker I once picked up and drove to the train station.  He told me he'd never forget me.. but I wonder about him all the time, will our paths ever pass again?  It's hard for me to fathom people not caring about the others around them.  When it all comes down to it, those people normally end up the "winners" as we'd deem them, getting all they want in life.  But at what price?  What price do you pay for happiness?  I pay a plane ticket to the other side of the globe.  You pay in hearts and tears.  Yours doesn't cost a thing.  So I guess. You really do win.






The people that you keep around.
Well, you learn from them.
And they learn from you...

The storm before the calm.

My life on so many levels right now...

It's my stomach in knots.

An off color yellow.

Eleven hour plane ride.

First adventure alone.

One million things to do.

Angry flocks of geese.

The Ying & The Yang

Every few hours I remember what is around the corner.
And I get really excited for a minute.

Just a minute.
Then I get terrified.

But in a good way :)

I'm the moment between the striking and the fire.

GAH!  As my sister would say.
I dunno, dunno about all this.
Being well liked isn't everything, right Willy Loman?

I'm starting to wonder if I'm committing social masochism.  I'm starting to wonder about all this wondering and just hope that people understand that branching out is like.. my thing.. I'm just drawn to new people constantly, who they are, what they do, why they are how they are.. I don't really have an agenda, no checklist.  Hell, I'm still trying to figure out what I want out of this crazy life.  I know I want to laugh, I want to love, I want to live.. and that's about it.  Those things actually happening are totally up to chance and milliseconds.  I was thinking about the time I spun out on the freeway a while back and I started getting mad at myself for not "doing something" with my life.  Like making a change?  I don't have much of a constant in my life so it's tough, like the world without it's moon to keep its axis so I'm just all over the place. 

I need a moon. 
I can howl and howl.
But still nothing materializes.
So I build my house of bricks.
Then you could huff and puff.
When you really just forgot to open the damn front door.
And drag me out.

 

 

Thank you for the Venom

It's greatly appreciated. 
All the perks and no bullshit to deal with.
The countdown begins.

7 Days :D



You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will