End of an Era?

This morning somewhere between sleep and dream I mumbled "Today is the end of an era.  How trippy is that?"  I was wrong, it's the end of a decade.  But somehow I also was right, because it seemed like an era, at least to me.

I really wanted to wash clean all of 2010 but the shower at my apartment kind of sucks.. I like it scalding hot which means I get a whole 5 minutes in there.  I guess I'll just take it as it was and hope that I'm not being delirious and feeling like I've been a side track in the way of others destiny.  There's just a lot to be done, on my part, for 2011 and it's not going to be easy.  I need to get out into the sunshine again and start meeting people and places and really get a grasp on the world and my purpose in it.  I need to stop lagging, stop being lazy and tired all the time.  I need to find the energy deep within me that I know I have and re harness it.  When I was 14 I was in cross country, I remember that first day of training, how after 15 minutes I felt I was going to die, to puke and so I was determined to work hard, my coach saw this and didn't make it easy, pushing me along the way, but come the end of the season I was pacing 7 minute miles with room for improvement.  I was voted most improved player for every sport I participated in that year.  I had straight A's and wouldn't let anything stop be, even when I didn't want to do things I sucked it up, sighed, and did it.  I need that same drive back and I felt it so strong then, yet fade and dissipate as I was distracted along the way.  I never went to Stanford Law, I never graduated valedictorian, I never got into film school, many things looking back that I very well could have pushed myself into.  Not that I haven't accomplished anything, it's just tragic that I feel there's a lot more potential in me.  There are people out there who will appreciate me for who I am as well, a fact unfortunately that falls on me far too often, until it's too late and I don't care anymore.  I dunno, as the year closes I'm not in the best of moods because I feel like there was so much potential last year, I felt amazing and now I just feel like the last year was frozen in time, I feel far from amazing.

I need that freedom back.