Never let me go.

Jesus.
If you'd like to be totally depressed and hopeless.
Read this novel.
It never gets good.  It just festers and drags slowly painfully on about how tragic life can be.  How people can fuck over others in their selfishness and how most accept their agonizing fate and slip away just like the rest of them.  I cried yes, but more in anger at the damn book than anything else.  It's hard to believe so many people would just "allow" such a cruel and unusual way of life.  The easy part is believing how nasty people, no matter what their situation can be.  And how selfishness can truly fuck other people up.  It's probably the trait I dislike the most in people.  Making decisions based solely on their emotions and drives.  It was so fucked.

Lately I've been drawn to my life exactly as it was one year ago.. mainly because I became much more self aware in the that month of November, I took a little journey of self realization and although it wasn't an easy one it was one hell of a fun ride.  I felt, for the first time, free of a lot of things.  I was planning a trip to NYC, just as I'm doing now but I was laughing every night, I was spending lots of time with my friends.  Last year I was camping in Dixon on a most unusual awkward night of craziness and fun.  Gloria and I ended up talking all night about some pretty deep stuff watching the sun rise over the town.  I remember I was late for work.  My boss said something to me about being late in which I apologized profusely and mentioned the meteor shower.  He turned to me and said, and I'll never forget this, ever.. "Meteor showers don't pay the bills."  I remember I shook my head and headed still half asleep to my desk.  I sat there and let his message settle somewhere between my stomach and my heart.  I know they don't pay the bills, but fuck it.  They make me feel something more than a day at the office ever will.  Laying there watching as these beautiful greens and purples grazed the sky, feeling like some kind of magnet looking out into the mysterious universe out there gave me more satisfaction than any amount of green printed pieces of paper ever have or ever will.  Period.  And knowing the difference, well there was a definite change in me that day one that's been enveloping over the past year.  One that has taught me that no matter how bad things look or bleak, I have the ability to make it a fun wild ride with plenty of stories to pass on throughout the years.  I don't accept my fate.  I will face it.  Fuck those kids in "Never let me go."  I won't let myself imagine what could have been and focus on what is happening.  

Recently an old friend passed away.  Yes he was well into his 80's and yes, I tend to and still do somehow befriend the oldest person in the room.  But he was a great man.  My mom texted me while I was in DC about his passing and I was really upset by it.  I missed his memorial but my mom saved me a booklet.  I read about his life, stories he hadn't told me, he lived a fulfilling life, and I can only hope to accomplish half of what he did.