Es maravilloso.

I often have moments.. where I stop.
And look around.
And wonder how the hell I got here.
Things always weirdly fall into place.
That realization.. that a chain of events has occurred to bring me right here.
Today..
While you snore so peacefully next to me. 
Because.
You are always sleeping.

And I type so feverishly.
Because.
I am always writing.

Life may take me different places.
But I will always have this.
Your feet on a pillow.
The dull hum of the air conditioner as kids laugh outside.
The only light that of the tv.. background noise.
While I wonder what you're dreaming of.
And where I will be next week.
And why the wine just almost fell out of the icebox.
And scared the shit out of me.
And the fucking weird things you are doing in your sleep.
That make me laugh.  Seriously.  You are a weirdo.
But I feel at home.
So I'll take this moment.
And wrap it up.
In my heart shaped box.
That cost 2.99.
That I left by my computer.

I am a gear. I am a spool of thread.

"I want to read and learn and dance and burn."

I was thinking about the line between privacy and publicity today.
Especially on things like blogs.  Facebook.  And Myspace?  Who seriously has one of those these days?
But yeah.  Just thinking about where we draw the line between what we post as public and what we keep private.  That's why I don't really like things like social networking and I've been trying my hardest to distance myself which I'm planning to do the entire time I'm traveling.  I like to personally keep A LOT of my life private, I mean I know I have a blog but rarely do I name names or go on rants about specific people or just say too much about what's going on in my actual actual life.. sort of :/

Why is this?

Because I'd rather people get to really know me know me before they make assumptions about who or what I am.  Believe me, first impressions are only that, often who I think someone is the first time we meet is not who I later find them to be at all or how I come to regard them later in my life.  Most of the people who've made major impacts on my life are people who I'd never imagine being there when we first met.  Although I do believe in gut feelings towards others I think that in order to call someone my friend (and I hope people feel the same about me) is to actually sit down and have a meaningful conversation with them... people just think they know me, when really they don't at all.  Either way I've come to find the people that matter the most aren't the ones I talk to on facebook but the ones I see and talk to in real life every day.  I'm always checking my page, looking at my stuff and wondering does this really encompass "Rose"?  Is this an honest representation of me?  Pictures tell a 2D story.. words are clearly thought out, erased, then rewritten to sound better.  So how can something like this really encapsulate somebody truthfully?  I don't think it can.  We don't post pictures of us when we are crying or we untag the ugly ones.  We brag about something good and rant about something bad just to get some sympathy.

It's social masochism at its finest.

Anyblahs.  I hope being more secretive these days = more sexy.  Off to get stuff donez.

Epiphany

And everything makes so much sense now.

a parallel state

Never invite an ant into your home
Tiny vampires will crawl up your arms
searching for blood
or is it water
maybe the Catholics know which one

Never let your mind wander too much
you won't find your way back
always a bit lost in thought
a bit lost in reality
the ghosts haunting you ever so slightly
as they pass through your peripheral vision

Never settle for less
Questions will nest in trees and branches
And refuse to fly away
worse than the Catholics or the ghosts
They'll be permanent fixtures in your home
If you look back you'll turn into salt
Forward and you will be dead

Mind vs Matter

Oh the absurdity!

I think in between sips of diet coke and cabernet.
Oh the things that could happen here.
Or not.  Since I'm hidding in corners and in restrooms and behind buildings alone.  Avoiding people.
It's at times like these I wish I smoked.  Any excuse to slip away and take long drags.  Wrap my lips around thousands of chemicals enveloped by that thin piece of parchment.  Any excuse to avoid a passing stare or a dialogue full of farce, purged passed botox filled lips and slithered through porcelian veneers.  Asking what I do or who I am or how I know so and so.  And I wonder how I get myself into these situations but I also keep my ears open.  Pick up on rich women's diatribes about the latest man she dumped or business men talking stocks and web pages as usual.  It's beginning to get dark and I'm beginning to get drunk.  I avoid the free food but flock to the free drinks.  The bar tender glances up at me as he pours, "how's your night?"  fine fine.  Thank you for the liquid courage now I'll be on my way.  And I slip into the background again as if I were wearing camoflauge.  I morph into a wall, a table and slowly sip my drink as I watch life pass me by.  But what kind of life is this?  Is it real life?  I'm still not sure.  Or sold for that matter.

When I'm Lying Awake at Night.

I've had a lot on my mind.
And it's hard to sleep when you don't know what next step to take.
And you're terrified.
But only a little.
And you remind yourself that most of your adventures start with this feeling.
But never end with it.

Mr. Winston, my new cat, is the very best cat.  He jumps and leaps and bounds around the house.  With the cutest smooshiest face.  And prances whilst he meows.  That kitty meow.  The one that sounds like a squeak toy.  Like every time I squeeze him that sound will escape.  I plan to teach him to walk on a leash.  And be my best friend.  forever.

Happy Fourth of July everyone.
Don't blast your face off with a firecracker.

Reset me baby

I'm beginning to make a list in my head of things I'd like to get done by the time I turn 25.
I didn't realize that I may have a breakdown of sorts once I hit the quarter century mark.  Think about it, you've been on the planet for how long now?  I know I'm going to have one of those, "Let's look at what you've done with your life even though you know it's not good idea to do that" moments.  I imagine I'll get quite trashed and puke in some bushes somewhere seconds before having this revelation.

I am both excited and terrified at these prospects.  First because I do think I've done a lot.  I finished high school and college(blah) but more importantly, I've traveled a ton, ran a marathon, partied in LA, watched the sunrise in Vegas, puked on a rooftop in the middle of San Francisco at 6 in the morning after Halloween.  I've been to Coachella three times, and done an ample amount of camping, adventuring, laughing, and growing.  Growing I think will be the theme of these past years.. both physically and mentally.  I know I will not grow or change as much as I have in this time.. and I will cherish that.  From the little girl running around in the back woods of Cicero in New York to the young lady who flew to Japan alone and looked out the window and thought.. man I know I can do this!  From the five year old who started crying when my mother bathed me.. and when she asked why I went on this whole diatribe about Martin Luther King Jr. to the twenty one year old peeing behind a willow tree because the traffic was so bad and she couldn't hold it anymore..  I only have a few months left before this epic b-day of sorts and I plan to enjoy and reflect.. while loosing ten pounds and getting ripped :P  Yes, I'd like to shed some pounds so I look super great and feel better about my body and have one less thing to grumble about as I age..

Besides that summer has started off with a kick start, I have one internship, another hopefully next week (finger's crossed) then editing the documentary AND planning a trip to Spain.. all while attempting to save money and get rid of a shit ton of my stuff.  I'm really cutting down this time.. like majorly..

These past few months have bared down on me.. time to hit the reset button and will be doing so this weekend :3