Fearless is Freeing.

I shouldn't be doing this.
I should be doing all the other things I have to get done today.
Clusterfuck central.

Baking a cake.
Packing.
Showering.
Trying to get ready all in one.

I have thus renamed this year:
"What the fuck just happened?"

Fearless. Fearless.
And I know that's why you love me :)

Caught

The nail was hit on the head.

You got it down to a science.

You made me feel better.

You made me feel assured.

You made me reflect.

Even though I didn't want to.

I finally remember myself.

I was lost in the forest.

The gleaming cat fish.

The urban legend.

Hugging a tree out there somewhere.

Swimming in the depths.

Too smart for their hooks and lines.

I breathed you in.

And breathed me out.

I wouldn't change a thing.

I won't look back as the building 

  explodes behind me.

The zombie apocalypse is over.

And here I stand covered in dirt.

Clutching a shovel.

Wondering if I'll let myself get caught.

Again. 

I smell like smoke. Ew.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just take up smoking, enough of my friends do it I smell like I do half the time.  Once my friend who I hadn't seen in a while asked if I did randomly at brunch.  Her reasoning was I seemed indie enough that she thought I did hah.

I should not drink caffeine though.  My body hates me when I do.
Also, piano is coming along nicely.  Like amazingly awesome.
Like I've almost finished the year 1 book in 3 months.
But in all fairness I took 6 months of lessons 4 years ago.
I love it though.  I hope I can afford to continue.

Lastly, I am excited about my road trip this weekend.  Going to see my sister and some friends in SF.  Then visiting my g-pa in Sacramento.  Then home in a week's time.  Also, I'm on the brink of buying my ticket to fly to Japan and Taiwan next month for ten days or so for Chinese New Year :)  Flights are fairly priced, I have a friend in Taiwan, and I mean, WHY NOT?  Personally, I think it would be an adventure of grand magnitudes.  I've always wanted to go to Japan and I haven't been to Asia at all yet.  I'm young, don't have rent, or kids, or a job... the opportunity may not come again so I believe the expense instead of saving up will, in the long run, be worth it.  I've never travelled alone either.. which should be rather interesting.

Fin.

It's not about you.

Damn it girl.
Don't do this to yourself.
Not again you silly little thing.

It's the only thing I'm jealous of.
The ability to let things totally go.
But that ability to forever forget.
That goes hand in hand with heartlessness.

Retrograde

It's funny really.
What my life has become.
I wake up every night.
Dream every morning.

At least that's how it feels right now.
It's not that difficult.
I'm not that easy.

I went through and read my entire written journal from last year on the way to NY.  It wasn't an easy read.  Sometimes the things I write are tragically beautiful or beautifully tragic?  But I can't really share them with anyone else.  Mainly because it's sacred to me, it's where those overflow of emotions are let out to keep yourself sane on those days where everything spills until you can't take it anymore.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  But I love to look back, even to the one when I was 17 and just starting college.  I'm so glad I've steadily kept one since then.  The one I have now I bought in SF last January, it's a discarded library book.  Lord of the Rings actually.  The back has the sticky that's been stamped since 98' and there are random pages from the book amidst the blank ones.  After writing an entry I love to examine it, think of all the people who have touched this cover, read this random page.  I love to think about what they were doing at the time, even what was going on in their lives at the moment they decided to pick up this book.  Did they finish it?  Or did it dust on an empty bookshelf?  Through all of this I can guarantee the last place they might imagine it to end up is as my mangled mess of a journal.  I know it's not worth it to think of where it has been but I can't help but be curious.

Next weekend I'm taking a road trip to Santa Cruz.
I might also go to Japan..

Bittersweet Shimmer

I guess that's how you could describe it.
This mood I'm exuding. 
Well 2010 started off with quite a bang.
So now what do I do?  I spend the next 2 weeks working my ass off for grad school applications.

And then?



Then.

I get the hell out of this place. 

Apparently when I cry I totally do the chin quiver.. it's quite tragic.

I'm Not That Girl

I'm a world traveler.
A class act.
You chew me up
and spit me back.