Costa costa costa RICA

Off to explore the tropical rainforest tomorrow.  I'm going to take lots of valium before the flight :)  Hopefully enough to pass out and wake up in the middle of luscious green trees and colorful birds.  Catch you all on the flip side.

I had a dream last night that I had to explain to my entire family the reason I didn't want to have children.  I also was in a marathon where people were running around naked.. yeah.  Also one of my friends showed up at my family gathering and everyone thought I was dating someone new because he was wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots and so was I.  Which is something NEITHER of us would ever wear in real life.  I almost laughed when I saw him there dressed like a cowboy only to look down at my feet and see myself wearing the same kind of boots and suddenly feeling the weight of the hat.  I really don't get what was going on with my mind but it was awesome.  My whole family was shocked when I said I didn't want to have kids though, I had a whole monologue moment about my reasons, I kind of wish that part had been real.  People still say oh you are young, you will change your mind!  I don't know it's kind of a loosing fight on their end.  People automatically think you hate kids or something which I don't at all.  

Wow I love the Violent Femmes so much.  Listening to Kiss Off right now.  You can all just kiss of into the air!  Behind my back I can see them stare. They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind, they'll hurt me bad they do it all the time!  Reminds me of middle school.  OH, I started writing another song on the piano last night too.  So now I have like two partial songs.  I need to start just doing that all the time, eventually I will have like five partially done songs.  yea yea yuhhh

thought I would share with all of you who never even read this a video of my mom and I on the way back from Santa Cruz, yeah she is serious about the dollar menu, I had to cut out the 10 other times she asked about dollar prices but it was hilarious.

What's in a name?

I have to say.

I love my name.

The way it

rolls of my tongue

not just alone

but the combination 

the first and the last

feels like dynamite

short bursts

like when you touch 

your mouth to a battery

creating an electric spark

that bittersweet

taste

I have to say

I hate my name

when my mother yells at me

the obsessive repeating

the growing anger

when it morphs into 

a monster

that sounds nothing like your name

and everything like

anger

annoyance

a wawawaw

piercing feedback

My name is rare

I hate to share it

to have someone 

steals it's purpose 

in my life

it's uniqueness 

it's antiqueness

and it's smell

like an old wooden 

cupboard

not  like me

not expecting me

but somehow finding me

And nothing beats

the way the one you love

says

your name

especially for the first time

it's like hearing a note you've never heard before

seeing a color that doesn't exist

and all you want is for

them to say it

every 

minute

of 

every 

day

Dancing in my room cause I can't go out.

I have too much energy to be forced to go to sleep now.  But I know tomorrow I will be lagging, I am going to try and make up for all these early nights, especially early Fridays, when I could/should be going out with my friends but because of early Saturday runs have been forced into staying home and trying to sleep.  I'm young and in love (with life)!  I should be frolicking through the bars at all hours.  But there is something to be said about just hanging out in a living room and talking all night long, or walking to 7-11, buying some beers and heading home.  For now I will just have to make do with Lady Gaga and dancing in my room.  I am going to make my second attempt at climbing tree nine tomorrow.  Santa Cruz, here I come!  

Good things come slowly

Egh blegh.  I didn't realize until today why my body/mind is acting this way.  I have been in a "mood" of sorts the past few days, started yesterday.  Like I'm PMSing all moody, grumpy, angry, sensitive, but since Aunt Flo actually just left, yeah got to give me props, she was STILL hanging around during my marathon, I started to figure out something.  I just ran 26.2 miles three days ago.  It's like a mini version of E, all those endorphins, of course I felt fan-f-ing tastic on Monday, let me tell you runners high is something else, but I'm guessing those lovely endorphins are all dried up for a little while.  There is also a little sense of emptiness, I finished my goal... now what?  You'd think I feel invincible, but I feel a little sad, all those anxieties, training, it's over.  It makes me feel like I should be getting off my ass and doing those things that have been swirling in my mind for years,  I have a few movie ideas, I have a book I started writing, blank canvases waiting for me to fill, a room to clean, and books to read.  Also I have my green agenda to fulfill, build a garden, change the light bulbs, go vegetarian all the way, I've been half assing it for a while.  Then there are new runs to be had too! 

I just have to remember:

Pet Peeves

Not really pet peeves per say.. more of a growing annoyance in me that is boiling now and beginning to overflow.  This is my way of running into the kitchen, sliding on my socks to the oven, and turning down the heat.  

Do you ever get so angry you go cross eyed for a second?  More like a millisecond. More like you vision blurs.  I'm surprised I don't have anger issues.

Let's talk about parentals first.  Parents, you do not deserve praise because you CHOSE to have a child.  Especially if you made the choice to have a baby, it doesn't make me feel better when you tell me I was a choice either, congrats, you managed to do what most other people on the planet do.. make babies, where is your medal and gold star?  Also, you don't just automatically deserve respect from your children, you TOO have to earn it by being at least a decent parent, one who may make mistakes yes, but if you raise your children right they will understand that you too are human.. and by raise I mean, not I call you and see you a few times a year.  That does not count.  I might not be the best child in the world but WHO the hell is?  I may be impatient with my parent who raised me, and even feel like their parent sometimes but you know what that is the way that I am, I try to be grateful but when I look at the world around me sometimes.. I just. get. so. angry.  And scared.  Especially of an accident.  As each year goes by, so does my desire to have children, or at least the age starts to go farther and farther back.  So sorry ma and pa, I'm not planning on getting you grandkids anytime soon, get over it.  It irks me that parents even get upset when you say this.  Is it selfish of me not to want to have kids, or is it more selfish for others to want to have babies, obviously not to improve this overpopulated, undereducated world, but to have companionship.  I don't think I'm being naive or cynical by saying that most people want to have kids for their own selfish reasons.  Anyways, sorry for this darker rant.  It just surprises me how "adults" act sometimes, especially when they ignore other adults and act more like a child then their own kids.  

Next lets talk about hypocrites.  Ooooo my favorite, now everyone is guilty of this, present company included.  But it just irritates me like no other when people complain about certain "types" of people, when they themselves ARE exactly what they complain about!!!!!!  Get a grip, my goodness!!   

I need some good smashing and screaming time later on or something, if only my legs didn't feel like people were stabbing them every five minutes.  I'll calm down once I get home, eat some vegetarian chili and watch Stardust again.. "We always knew you were a whoopsie!!"

Marathon Mojo

Yeah yeah yuh.  This is me with my awesome purple rose tattoo ready to rock out to the rock and roll marathon!    I FINISHED!  No ipod either, for over five hours I ran almost non stop, pounded the pavement till my poor feet screamed, but that last mile... that last mile.. I felt like all the pain was gone, it's so crazy what your brain can do, I sprinted to the finish, half smiling, half crying, with my arms raised.  Thinking oh, what a beautiful morning.. oh, what a beautiful day.. I've got a beautiful feeling... I'm finishing a fucking marathon!!!!!