Memory Doesn't Suck

It’s really crazy how much we can associate with someone else.

I have a scar on my nose from my bf loading a box down to me when we first moved in together.. it scrapped me and it’ll always be there and I’ll never forget it.  Once we accidentally knocked heads and now my nose has a tiny bump too. (that one hurt for a while)  I have a scar on my right arm where a crush had scratched me when I was 13 at summer camp because we were wrestling.  A scar on my left leg that goes straight across from when I went to Fred’s show and a drunk 12 year old rammed into me when he was moshing and pushed me into a piano.  So many songs I tie to people.  Like balloons with strings that are infinity long.  I can’t watch Into the Wild without thinking of another ex.  The city of Tustin will never be the same, fuck that place.  Or NorCo when I drove for two hours home crying the entire time.  Or the time we got high at that party and I pulled my hood down real low and we drove home laughing all the way.  When we ate that entire pizza once.  When you read that poem you wrote about me in the car and we kissed for an hour.  To our spot.  To the bottle of wine I threw off a mountain.  To the time you rested your head on my shoulder when we first met, and I knew it was something special.

I think these things, though painful, now can be accepted and remembered with kindness.  They were right when they said it is better to have love and lost. 

Then my mind went dark

I don't really know how to explain it.  How I feel.
Like I'm years back.  I just feel all of the sudden how I did then.
I had a really weird dream about someone I hadn't seen in ages last night.
He's mad at me in most of me dreams, but honestly, he spent a lot of time being mad at me.
In fact, I'm sure, wherever he is, he's mad at me now.

It's a shame we couldn't be friends.
But it's not the first time it's ruined a friendship.
It's a shame I connect with guys a lot.
And then it gets ruined.  I like having guys as friends.
But most of the time an awkward glance or touch is all it takes.
And even though they say "it won't get weird" it always does.
I end up seeing them a few months later at a restaurant and feel guilty.
And then they reject my facebook requests,
that or write angry blogs about how I'm a horrible person because I don't love them.

I don't mean for it to happen.
I feel bad when I miss them.
Or when I realize I still have a ton of books he gave me.
Or that list he wrote of all the movies we should watch.
Or the messages I ignored because they were awkward.

Maybe you were right.
Maybe we can't be friends. :(

Hold your head up high girl.

Hold your glass even higher. 

I was sitting on my steps this evening talking to my mom on the phone.  It's funny how although we are very different, we are very much the same.  A very stupid person once told me that purple has both the colors red and blue in it but you'd never call it either of those colors, and while that was probably the only valuable genuine thing they told me, I still believe it to be very much true.  And in the end I'm glad that I heard it.  I'm glad that I can think about the good (and sometimes bad) qualities that I got but I'm glad that I can cherish the person I've become and thank my parents for it too. 

My mom is a very brave woman.  She's a lot of other things too, she's stubborn and she shuts people out and she has co-dependency issues, I see some of these things in myself.  I too have a tough time opening up to people, I like things slow.  I too can keep my feelings buried deep inside.  But if there's anything I can hope that my mother gave me is bravery, because my god that woman is brave. I really am not sure I would have lasted as long as she has under the circumstances of her life.  Today she told me that she's at a point in her life where she's so ready to just up throw off the bow lines and move to another country and fight for animal rights or try and save the rain forest or just do whatever she so well pleases.  I told her, mom, you do whatever you damn want and you don't let anyone stop you, you have no one to answer to but yourself and I'll support you whatever you do.  I just think the whole idea of it is marvelous and I know my mom would be brave enough to pull it off and I pray that she eventually can and will have the most fabulous of lives!  I really do. 

But in that I get hope, this month has been literally since day one, one of the worst month's ever.. I'm in a bad financial situation, ticket situation, rejected from multiple projects and jobs situation.  It has literally been no's and I'm sorry's and bad news across the board.  But I realized that no matter how bleak there is always hope and bravery.  I've kept my head up before and it's taken me to more exciting places than I'd even imagine.  So fuck it.  I'm damn excited about a possible new volunteer/job position that I don't care, I'm going to let myself know that this will lead somewhere great, I just have this warm buzz about it.  If March came in like a lion it will leave like a lamb.  Frustrations will come but they will pass.  And it their place smiles, and kisses, and travel, and birthday cake. 

To the rest of the year being the best year of my life, cheers! 

My brilliant neighbor Mike

And here I am.  Lying in bed.  Alone.  Blogging.  Getting frightened by my neighbor knocking on my door at 1am.. my pants nowhere in sight.  He kept knocking and before I could think I yelled, "I can't find my pants!!!"  Of all the neighbors, I think I must be the classiest.  Also, I was totally watching Reba and it was loud as shit.  What a double way to embarrass myself.   All he wanted to, I think drunkenly, tell me is that I left my light on in my car.  It disturbs me that he knew what car I owned, I have never seen, let's call him Mike, in my life.  He said his name but I never remember names.  He looks more like a Mike anyways, I can imagine people yelling "Mike you just got iced bro!" at him.. Mike fits.  So yes, Mike my neighbor, who lives in cottage 8, who likes to decide to be friendly at 1am.. and who definitely could possibly be a bro.  I had a friend/co-worker who suspected there were bro's living in his condo complex, once I saw one of them literally fall out of their lifted truck they were so drunk.  Aside from the fact that he probably mowed down five children on his way home it was fucking hilarious witnessing that.  We used to try and come up with possible ways to lure bros to his apartment with trails of monsters and bro hoes.  I don't remember why anyone would think we should discuss bro capturing tactics but I'm weird so whatever.  Anyways, now I think Mike thinks I'm rude for not answering the door for so long.. but really, my dmc shirt was not going to suffice as proper attire.  He'd probably think I was trying to seduce him.  I think he thought I was, even with my pants on, because when I asked him where he lived he replied "WE live in cottage 8."  Making sure to emphasis WE as he held onto the stoop and kind of swung forward.  Yeah he definitely was drunk.. Is this the editorial "we" dude?  Because I ain't seen nobody here but you.. and me.. maybe "we" is a pet bird?  or perhaps a stuffed pillow in the shape of a woman?  Either way I didn't ask where "we" lived you dumb shit.  I asked where YOU live.  If only to try and be nice and curious since you so politely banged on my door at 1am to tell me a tiny light in my car was left on, one I have left on many nights before and has never drained my battery.

I think I'll leave him a gift basket of Smirnoffs and other bro like things (hair gel? axe body spray?) on his porch as a thank you gift..  Or next time I'm drunk and in a good mood bang on his door at 1am.

Hmm that last sentence does sound like I'm trying to seduce him.  Ew. 

The Blanket Clause

So I think when you move in with someone there should be this unspoken blanket "clause".  One my boyfriend doesn't seem to understand at all.  It's called sharing people and it's the first thing they teach us in kindergarten.  Granted it's hard to understand sharing when you're half asleep and dreaming about god knows what and all you want is to be warm.  Every night I hop into bed, grabbing the edge of my blanket, almost burrito-ing the corners around me as if that will secure it, looking like a blanket bitch.  But on more than one occasion I've been woken up because I'm shivering on the edge of the bed.  Said bf, is totally encased, wads of blanket between his legs and whats left falling sporadically over the opposite side of the bed.  Then I look like the dick tugging and tugging until I wake him up with the tugs and the "ummm" "can I?" "blanket" "cold".  Either way, I'm always the one who looks like the jerk, he's waking up to me pulling the blanket off of him like some crazed blanket whore who can't get enough blanket and wants to leave him in the cold because I need my blanket fix.  The problem is it's tough to remedy this without a bear trap or glue or I dunno, epic sleepwalking blanket battles in the middle of the night.  Harumph. 

End of an Era?

This morning somewhere between sleep and dream I mumbled "Today is the end of an era.  How trippy is that?"  I was wrong, it's the end of a decade.  But somehow I also was right, because it seemed like an era, at least to me.

I really wanted to wash clean all of 2010 but the shower at my apartment kind of sucks.. I like it scalding hot which means I get a whole 5 minutes in there.  I guess I'll just take it as it was and hope that I'm not being delirious and feeling like I've been a side track in the way of others destiny.  There's just a lot to be done, on my part, for 2011 and it's not going to be easy.  I need to get out into the sunshine again and start meeting people and places and really get a grasp on the world and my purpose in it.  I need to stop lagging, stop being lazy and tired all the time.  I need to find the energy deep within me that I know I have and re harness it.  When I was 14 I was in cross country, I remember that first day of training, how after 15 minutes I felt I was going to die, to puke and so I was determined to work hard, my coach saw this and didn't make it easy, pushing me along the way, but come the end of the season I was pacing 7 minute miles with room for improvement.  I was voted most improved player for every sport I participated in that year.  I had straight A's and wouldn't let anything stop be, even when I didn't want to do things I sucked it up, sighed, and did it.  I need that same drive back and I felt it so strong then, yet fade and dissipate as I was distracted along the way.  I never went to Stanford Law, I never graduated valedictorian, I never got into film school, many things looking back that I very well could have pushed myself into.  Not that I haven't accomplished anything, it's just tragic that I feel there's a lot more potential in me.  There are people out there who will appreciate me for who I am as well, a fact unfortunately that falls on me far too often, until it's too late and I don't care anymore.  I dunno, as the year closes I'm not in the best of moods because I feel like there was so much potential last year, I felt amazing and now I just feel like the last year was frozen in time, I feel far from amazing.

I need that freedom back.

Filthy Dirty Greasy

I have this horrible sinking feeling in my belly.
And I hope it goes away.
I'll throw it off a bridge.
With a that bag of bricks.
That hit me in the face months ago.

That and this godawful guilt.
I still feel bad about what happened.
I still need to make apologies.
But I'm afraid to.
I know hindsight is 20/20 but I really wish.
That I'd been a little smarter.
It was just a series
of unfortunate event.

And then there was the weird conversation.
I can't believe it would have been five years.
I can't believe the Fonze died.
And I saw you running towards me,
your face smashed with blood.
And I'll keep this memory. 
And never let it go.

Looking around the corner now.
Not back down the hallway.
Ready for a new year, new adventures.
I'll take a long bath.
And wash the grunge of 2010 away.

You're waiting for a train.

There ain't a a soul can hold me back
cause I am just as free as air
as long as I got legs and trains got wheels
I could arrive me anywhere

and if the lord above comes down
and asks you where the hell I am
just answer no one knows where Rosie goes
cause I'm a box car baby ma'am

2010 A Retrospective. The same quiz a year later.

I found this quiz last year and filled it out, I thought it would be interesting to revisit.


5 Best Trips

1. Going to NYC with Gloria to ring in New Years. It was a once in a life time experience. Thus I will only have waiting in 4 hours of freezing cold weather and snow to watch a tiny ball drop once in my life.  Revisiting for work was fun too though :)  There's something magical about that city.

2. Japan/ Taiwan. Getting laid off at the beginning of the year gave me the opportunity to go somewhere I'd never been and always wanted to. The trip was so much fun especially since I did it ALL BY MYSELF. Long plane rides, packed metros, confusing signs, meeting new people, visiting old friends. Trying all the crazy weird food! Pigs blood cake, shrimp with little eyes (EW), jelly fish, and loads of other things. I kept asking Yen, "What is this?" And he'd say "I dunno, just put it in your mouth."

3. Death Valley Trip. It was a pretty last minute, thrown together, crazy fun car ride kind of trip. I felt like a lot of good came out of that trip though. Boogie boarding down sand dunes, singing at the fire, making amazing food, oh and Tyler eating a red ant.. I think I'll never forget putting together that stupid fucking tent in the crazy non stop wind in the middle of the dark ass night using rocks because Dominic and I couldn't find the stakes and then finding the stupid stakes in the morning.

4.  Spain/ Morroco/ Paris.  I came back tan and five pounds lighter thanks to Morocco and the bland jamon laden food of Spain.  But what a trip, lots of ups and downs, and crazy buses to boats, to trains, to taxis, to planes.  I loved the beaches in Spain, everyone, and I mean everyone went top less or at least in a bikini no matter size or shape, it made me want to too, but I don't think mom would approve.


5. DC.  Such a fun little adventure into the crispiness of our capital.  Now I know what beer to order on the east coast, how to make the Washington memorial look like a dick in pictures, and what bar in Virginia to go to get free drinks and find May Lin.  The museums were a lot of fun and seeing Cat Steven's live was like mind blowing. 



5 Best Reasons To Lose Weight
1. Dysentery. Believe me, not as great as it sounds. Yeah I lost five pounds after Morocco but what I endured for the rest week.. not worth it.

2. Getting laid off doesn't necessarily help your waist line.

3.  So my boyfriend stops calling me a morbidly obese fatty every time I sit down to a meal.

4.  I just need to go to the gym and tone up really.  I swear I'm not fat.

5.  So I can start training for a marathon again?


5 Best Celebrity Encounters
1.  ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG TOUCHING Beckam at the first SUFS.  His sexiness almost blinded me.

2.   Also, Phil Margera.  He's so cute, in college I watched Viva La Bam religiously.  One of my favorite episodes is when they ironed little hamburgers on ALL of Phil's clothes.  So when I saw him I immediately looked at his outfit, low and behold a faded lil' hamburger was staring back at me.  I about died laughing. 

3.  Working the red carpet for the White Trash Beautiful fashion show.  Seriously.  That's what it was called.  But I saw a bunch of semi famous people I guess.

4.  Standing next to Elisabeth Hasslebeck and her kiddos in NYC, even though I think she's an idiot her kids were uber cute. 

5.  Interviewing a bunch of So you think you can dance contestants.  They were too much fun, I mean, "Who needs the pinky toe?!  Really?!?"


5 Best Reasons To Stay Fat
1. Comfort food is the best kind of food.

2. Because I really am not fat at all and actually lost a lot of weight this year accidentally and really don't want to loose anymore of it :o

3.  So when my boyfriend does call me fat I can sit on him and totally crush him underneath my morbidly obesity.

4.  Then once he's out of the picture I'll market myself as BBW or whatever it is on Craigslist. ;D

5.  ME WANT COOKIES.


5 Best Pick Me-Ups
1. Again, cookie cake pie. Jesus christo it's good.

2. CUDDLING :3 It's my newest favorite thing to do. <3

3. Doing something small yet special for me, like a surprise or a nice gesture. It's the little stuff.

4.   Drive in movies.  There's one in Goleta I've been wanting to go to!  Then if someone asks me what I'm doing I can say I'm (at the drive in).  :P

5.   Going to any kind of show with music.  It always makes me feel better. 


5 Best Ways To Apologize
1.  With kisses and more kisses.

2.  Screaming "I'M SORRY" angrily right in my face.

3.  Making someone a nice meal and when they ask why saying it's to apologize and when they say apologize for what?!  Say, I accidentally spent all your money, let your cat out, and crashed your car.  Whoops, bon appetit!

4.   Just genuinely meaning it.  Pobody's Nerfect.

5.  Post-it's are a great way to say you're sorry.

5 Best Flavored Liquers
1. Stella on tap. I had it on tap for the first time at our local bar down the street and have been hooked since.

2. Jalapeno Passion fruit martini's from a tiny bar tucked away in NYC.

3.  Vodka gingerales?  They were a perfect mistake.

4.  Champagne from Paris.. wish I had another bottle.

5.  These Hot Taughtys have been helping me through my flu thingy I've got going on.


5 Best Songs
1. Radar Detector - Darwin Deez

2. No One's gonna love you - Cee lo Green Re-mix

3. New Romantic - Laura Marling

4. How do you like me now? - The Heavy

5. Settle Down - Kimbra


5 Best Moments of 2010
1. New Years night was pretty damn memorable. Standing in the cold for hours, meeting a bunch of crazy awesome people from Pennsylvania and partying with them until 5am in rain boots, tights, and a long shirt at a club in NYC.

2. "This is going to be a bad meeting." Literally the first thing my boss said to me right before she laid me off after almost three years on the job. Although at the time I thought this was a bad moment, it turns out it's been a best moment because of the events to fall into place after wards.

3. Chinese New Years, in Taiwan with Yen, watching fireworks from his rooftop, making wishes for the new years. They came true too!

4. The last night of Coachella.  Sitting on a little hill of grass looking out at everything after a whirlwind of a week when all of a sudden a crazy man doing cartwheels approached us and talked to us for about 20 minutes.  We agreed we'd meet in the same place, same time next year.  I wonder if he'll actually show?

5.  Finally moving out of the house to my new place with hardwood floors and a bathtub with claw feet.  Now time to cuddle up in bed with a book.  Hopefully I won't knock a pillow next to the heater and almost burn the place down again.

Ummm, it's the second star to the right and..

Sometimes I don't talk because I don't think you really want to listen.

Many people who first meet me say "she's a quiet one."  Which I think is funny because I'm really not at all.  Actually most of my life I've been scolded for talking too much or too loud.  But on the other end of that spectrum I can be just as quiet.  "What are you thinking?" I've heard more times than I can count.  I wish that more often I could collect my thoughts and display them in a correct order of words to get exactly across how I feel and exactly when I feel them.  Most of the time I don't express something until it is too late, after my mind has processed this universe of thought into a flat plane of exsistance.  That's the only way I can describe it, my dyslexia in a way.  Saying things I don't mean and meaning things I don't say.

So instead I'm the quiet one.  Lost in my head.  Wishing I could bring to life the bumbling thoughts that circle around like tumble weed in a desert.  That being said, I think it's about time I start being more quiet, at least here.  Not that I think I've said too much or too little but I've just come to realize that it's time for me to take this energy and transfer it where it properly belongs, in my journal.  Where there is no sensor, no filter, no rules, no regulations.  Life is so full of twists and turns and stops and goes and constrictions anyways, why not have one place to be free of this?  I don't think I should burden you all with my petty insight, especially when I keep much of who I am private from the world anyways. 

I can't believe this year is already over, reflecting, it hasn't been easy.  But none of you would know about that anyways.  It's been an uphill climb, it's been trial and error, it's been me growing up, and realizing that I'm not a kid anymore and I can no longer return to nevernever land, ever again. 

Maybe I should give up, give in.

Give up trying to be thin.
Give up and turn into my mother.
God knows I love her.

I locked myself out of the apartment.  When do I not lock myself out of hmm, my dorm, my house on my way to work, my car, my apartment?  Basically anything that has a door with a lock which I hold a key to.  And always that rush of the door that closes behind me in and one roaring whoosh of air the realization that.  fuck.  I did it again.  I got back in though, and then as punishment decided to clean the ever loving crap out of it.  It may be all the coffee I've had as well.  Either way it's sparkling now.  Well, off to enjoy the rest of the weekend. Off to explore Lizard's head. 

Blah ditty blah

I like this picture cause my face is all blurry and stuff.  Tonight was sooooo eventful.  Winston is sick and shat everywhere.  So In between washing clothes, running errands, cleaning the apartment, and getting lost in World Market, I got to clean up shit and wash said stinky poo cat.  I really need to make some friends out here.  No really, I've been you-tubing and drinking wine all night.

Never let me go.

Jesus.
If you'd like to be totally depressed and hopeless.
Read this novel.
It never gets good.  It just festers and drags slowly painfully on about how tragic life can be.  How people can fuck over others in their selfishness and how most accept their agonizing fate and slip away just like the rest of them.  I cried yes, but more in anger at the damn book than anything else.  It's hard to believe so many people would just "allow" such a cruel and unusual way of life.  The easy part is believing how nasty people, no matter what their situation can be.  And how selfishness can truly fuck other people up.  It's probably the trait I dislike the most in people.  Making decisions based solely on their emotions and drives.  It was so fucked.

Lately I've been drawn to my life exactly as it was one year ago.. mainly because I became much more self aware in the that month of November, I took a little journey of self realization and although it wasn't an easy one it was one hell of a fun ride.  I felt, for the first time, free of a lot of things.  I was planning a trip to NYC, just as I'm doing now but I was laughing every night, I was spending lots of time with my friends.  Last year I was camping in Dixon on a most unusual awkward night of craziness and fun.  Gloria and I ended up talking all night about some pretty deep stuff watching the sun rise over the town.  I remember I was late for work.  My boss said something to me about being late in which I apologized profusely and mentioned the meteor shower.  He turned to me and said, and I'll never forget this, ever.. "Meteor showers don't pay the bills."  I remember I shook my head and headed still half asleep to my desk.  I sat there and let his message settle somewhere between my stomach and my heart.  I know they don't pay the bills, but fuck it.  They make me feel something more than a day at the office ever will.  Laying there watching as these beautiful greens and purples grazed the sky, feeling like some kind of magnet looking out into the mysterious universe out there gave me more satisfaction than any amount of green printed pieces of paper ever have or ever will.  Period.  And knowing the difference, well there was a definite change in me that day one that's been enveloping over the past year.  One that has taught me that no matter how bad things look or bleak, I have the ability to make it a fun wild ride with plenty of stories to pass on throughout the years.  I don't accept my fate.  I will face it.  Fuck those kids in "Never let me go."  I won't let myself imagine what could have been and focus on what is happening.  

Recently an old friend passed away.  Yes he was well into his 80's and yes, I tend to and still do somehow befriend the oldest person in the room.  But he was a great man.  My mom texted me while I was in DC about his passing and I was really upset by it.  I missed his memorial but my mom saved me a booklet.  I read about his life, stories he hadn't told me, he lived a fulfilling life, and I can only hope to accomplish half of what he did.

Everyone sounds better on paper.

A million ideas enveloped and died in the back of my brain today.  I had a nightmare about shoes last night.  Fuck.  I recently had a lucid dream.  I awoke and told someone about how I indeed had a lucid dream.  Only to wake up and afterward realize I was dreaming the entire time.  Does that count?  I'm not sure.

Halloween has come and past and I didn't even dress up this year.  Not that it mattered, I had a good Halloween, D.C. was nice, actually at first it reminded me of a clean less crowded version of NYC.  Until, that is, the East coast snobbery reared it's ugly head, that and everything closes at like 4pm.  The monuments were gorgeous though.  It's crazy how something like that can evoke such strong feelings.  A mass of stone and brick can cause you to dig deep into your head. 

Today was kind of weird.. I did NOT want to get up.  8:30am is killing me.  Didn't get home until 6pm only to find out that the republicans took the house.  Double shit.  For some reason the same feeling I got when Bush got re-elected came back.  I wanted to blare music and drown out the news.  On days like these when not much can be done, I just want to bury my head in the sand and weep. 


I really don't want to go to bed, but my back hurts and my boyfriend's warm.. and also taking up the entire bed.. Maybe I'll read a bit of "Never let me go" and then go to bed.  I finished Post Office yesterday and it was great, I've always like Bukowski's style, he cut's the crap which I love, I'm not one to love pages and pages describing a turtle crossing the road.  Sorry Steinbeck.  But my sister recommended this book and since she reads like 5 gazillion times more books than I, I trust her opinion. 

 2010 is beginning to wind down.. and the countdown begins on the by far most whirlwind year of my life. 

Portland lies on the other side, the side of the Earth.

On the road in Oregon.  It's too dark to read.  And no one wants to listen to Billy Collins which happens to be the only cd in my purse :/  So here I am typing away on my phone.  It's very green and wet here whiich I can't complain about, the trees are gorgeous.  I have some family out here and as I got off the plane I missed the days when people could wait at your gate and greet you as you stepped off the plane.  Growing up it was my favorite thing.  It will always be my first memory when I moved back to California, a huge, and I mean huge mass of family members I barely knew, holding signs and cheering as we got off the plane and ran and hugged us.  You know, after all, my family can be great.  But now things like that can't really happen, the magic's gone.  When we moved I remember being confused and hurt and sad I was leaving my home, my friends, my saddle shoes, my neighborhood, but there they all were, and all smiles welcoming us.  I remember than night so vividly even though I haven't revisited that moment until tonight.  Strange.

Anyways.. hoping to do some exploring, some wedding partying, some people meeting, and I'm stoked to see my family.  Halloween is around the corner and I seriously can't wait!

Trying to deal with the undeniable fact that I am not special.

It's tragic.. but it's true.  Out of all the faces in this blur of world how can one person have the audacity to think that they are special?  That they're going to do something one day?  I feel I had many chances but instead let them slip through my fingers.  Leaving a trail of sand behind me that no one really cares about much except for me.  I always have held people in colorful mason jars.  So the light shone through and beauty filled the gaps, strong morals instead of voids.  Unfortunatelty I'm beginning to find that my way of looking at things was backwards.  In fact, most people, as they open up to me, reveal much darker pasts and sides and instead of finding goodness I begin to see the ugliness of humanity.  What a naive stupid girl I've been.. what a cold person I feel I've become.   To think people would conduct themselves in a way, that they'd respect people, and love anyone but themselves.. such a stupid stupid thing to think.  I feel the most unspecial I've ever felt.. another face in a crowd, a car whooshing by, a story nobody cares to hear because they have much more important things to do.  Yeah, like get wasted and piss themselves, or order a latte, or get home to watch a reality tv show.. yeah, much more important..

Spin Cycle

The other day I was thinking about cycles.  Cycles make up our entire lives.  They are one of the few last connections we have to nature.  I mean, we can change just about everything about ourselves and our lives and environments, but we can't stop the cycles.  Why?  Because cycles are important, imperative, the fabric that holds everything in the entire universe together.  The sun, the moon, the tides, days, years, life and death, even cells go through a cycle.  The breakage of a cycle is cancer at it's core.  It's lethal.  The allowance of something non stop, non abiding.  I was in awe of it.  Even my own body follows a natural cycle.  It's weird to think it's something we don't control, it just happens.  We can tweak it.  But it still occurs.  Our whole lives revolve around something beginning, happening, and ending.  Nature is a strange and mysterious thing my friend and I couldn't help but wonder what it all means and why things all seem to behave in this way.. is it on purpose?  or just a mere happenstance?  I sure as hell will never know.

Besides letting my mind wander I've been watching the summer wind down and the heat rise up.  My room look likes Afghanistan.  Getting myself in awkward situations.  You know.  The usual.  The last few weeks I've had some of the best conversations.  I've just been on sensory overload and writing up a storm.. I don't know where it's coming from but I definitely am starting to feel my age settle in my bones.  I want to stay young at heart but not stay in high school, which sometimes I feel like is the unfortunate setting around me.  I just feel besides myself when people give me dirty looks at parties.  I really don't get it.  Le sigh.  I wish I could get out of my head and make some connections.  I miss college sometimes, if only for the fact that I was constantly around like minded people, and had something to do, and people all in one place, not spread out like all my friends are now.  But I digress.  People don't want to talk about this stuff anymore.  Hell, no one reads this thing anyway. 

Root Rot.

I am I am I am
is ringing through my idle brain
synapses firing off again
and again and again and again
wishing I could stop it
no, begging it to halt
to join the brain dead ranks
the zombies that walk among us
yes zombies, but happy none the less
the rawness that I covet
the blindness that I seek
to be a part of them
not apart from them
this humming distance
has begun to shout
I am I am I am
therefore I think
which seems to be the rotting root
of all my petty problems

Manifest Destiny

Application is in.
Check is sent.
Fingers are Crossed.

The more I research.  The more excited I get.  I really really really am working hard to manifest this move.  I'm thankful for what I have.  Loving life.  And really really imagining myself walking into this new place, box in hand, and smiling through my exhaustion, because let's face it.. moving ain't fun.. specially since I haven't in four years.  Accumulation is inevitable.  But cleansing is required.  So here's to hoping and praying and crossing everything I have.

Pretty.

I'll just paint my eyes real black
I'm serious as a heart attack
And paint my nails real red
and fix my hair like I have bed head

and then it will all be grand
your piano playing an upbeat hand
and all your cards will favor mine
and I'll have a real valentine

cause no one loves natural anymore
all they all want is a trashcan whore
with robotic limbs and porcelain thighs
who inside and out spits lies and more lies

god forbid we all have faults
and if you're not pretty
you better get out
yes if you're not pretty
skip the inside it's out
yes you better be pretty
or your life will be drought
so fucking be pretty
they scream and they shout.